When You Just Can’t Get To Sleep

Have been having trouble sleeping, so back to the computer to listen to some music.

On my playlist right now…I am currently loving these songs.

Katy Perry – Unconditionally

Rihanna & Eminem – Monster

Nneka – Restless

Tracy Chapman – The Promise

Iyeoka – Simply Falling

Lily Caseley – Ex-Factor (Lauryn Hill Cover)

Delilah – Mean To Me

Stephen Marley – Pale Moonlight (How Many Times)

Erykah Badu & Stephen Marley – In Love With You

Erykah Badu – I want You


Say Something – A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

The Live-version at the AMA’s is also a great version so you can decide which one you’d like to watch.. or watch both.. 🙂 

Hauntingly beautiful song..

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

Wake Up

I wrote this post a month or so back.. as I was in a very bad place. It’s only excerpts from the real note but I wanted to share some of it here, as it it yet another reason why I am feeling the way I am currently.


“So I write this letter. I am calm and collected which is strange because I thought I would be an emotional and physical wreck after coming to this conclusion.

I have been trying to hang in here, mostly for others because they care. But I am failing to see the end of this deep dark tunnel I am going through. I don’t belong in this world, in this society, in this time. Hell, I didn’t even belong in my biological body. I got it all wrong coming into this life this time.

I look around and I see so much destruction and fear. People judging, fearing and hating each other. It breaks my heart every day. War everywhere and over what?? Resources. Wake up people! Nobody is fighting a war for freedom anymore. It’s all about fear. Living in a monetary system where every individual has to work as a wage slave in order to just get by, to be able to do the things they want to do in the remaining time off, when they are not working for 8-12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. I don’t know about you, but I am so exhausted of living this way. We are meant to live in abundance, if we want to experience something, to just be able to go out and do it without being told by everybody else that you have ´responsibilities` so stop trying to follow your heart because most likely you will just be labeled as a dreamer or a utopian. Instead I have to make due with the most beautiful stories written and feeling lost when I have to leave that dream-world again.

You know what’s real? We have all the resources we need on this planet to create a utopia, where nobody would ever have worry about money or poverty. Everybody could have access to anything they wanted without ever having to spend a dime. Working 4 hours a day instead of 8, to contribute to society, and the other hours of the day reserved for living out your dreams or spending that time with your loved ones. Or spend it on studying up on what truly inspires you, what truly calls out to you so you can help better the world even more. Why is this not being funded or being talked about extensively in the media?? Because the ones in power want to keep us small and asleep. And it’s worked. We are too caught up in material things and image that we are too blind to realize that the Change is just there for us, waiting for us to take a stand and demand it, because it is our right. Too little people get mad anymore about real things, where is the outrage for the way our rights are being stripped every day under the guise of protection. No, throw a smoke bomb this way, get people too caught up with the new iPhone or a news article about Miley Cyrus twerking it on stage? We have been sucked into a sleep-state and have become so far removed from Nature that we don’t even know how to organically plant food or even how to truly relax without having to share it with the rest of the world by social media. Instead, our educational system is failing, our prisons are overcrowded and privately owned. We as a people have become less intelligent and less caring. We know just enough to keep working a mediocre job but not enough to truly question what’s going on out there in the world.

Our forefathers are the ones who put us in this mess; we never asked to live like this. Worrying about if I am going to have enough money when I’m 67 so I can retire and finally spend MY own time. Are you kidding me?? By the time I reach 67, my body and heart will be so worn out from all the stress I’ve had to endure that I will die by 73. Which would make my entire life on earth a complete waste for not trusting my soul? I plan on getting lost in nature, where I belong. And if I die doing it, I would be a happy soul. I am tired of living a long meaningless, miserable life where I live to work. I rather live a short one filled with wonders, fun, love and nature.”

The note continues but I don’t feel comfortable in putting the rest up here for personal reasons. But in a jist that’s it, I am fed up with the current situation the world is in and I need it to change. I cannot be the only one feeling this way. For the love of God people, just please wake up and face the music. Ignorance is not bliss.

– Alex

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Emotional Rambling..

Rambling..excuse the crap on the counter, the low volume and the noise coming from the pc..

I keep going back and forth between publishing the post and then privatizing it. I am not a very open person where my feelings and emotions are concerned, so I feel too vulnerable in this video. However, I consider this blog almost like a form of therapy and it’s the only thing I’ve kept at steadily now for a good while. Hopefully I’ll be able to get something out of it.



I had to write something
Darkness is creeping into my soul again.
I hate it when that happens,
Especially when I think and feel that things are moving into a positive direction again.

But no, it just hits me out of nowhere
and it paralyzes me.
Makes me feel weak and pathetic.
I try to tap into that inner strength and courage
but without real result.

This morning I had a dream
A pet tiger was out with me in nature
And we moved through obstacles together
like it was nothing
I felt so powerful

Then I woke up and I was alone
Mornings are always the hardest for me
Just simply waking up and dragging my body out of bed.
Why does it have to be so hard?

Why is my soul so sad?
I want to live again.
Let my soul soar high up in the clouds again.

Where is my purpose?
I want to contribute.
Now all I think about is when this dark cloud will lift from over my head.
When I will feel joy again and be able to truly appreciate love again.
Because my heart is closed, it’s scared.

I wish..I wish.. I wish
To not be so tired.
To not be such a coward.
To not be afraid to let go.
To not be afraid to let people in.
To not have such dark thoughts.
To be forgiven.

I pray for a change,
Let me be me again.


To Sherill; Happy 29th Birthday

Dear Sherill,

I haven’t spoken to you in a long time, matter of fact I haven’t even seen you in an even longer time.
Tomorrow would’ve been the day you would’ve turned 29, had I not made the decision to no longer be you.
But I have a confession to make; I miss you. I miss the female guidance that came from you, and I very much miss the sweetness and vulnerability inside of you.

Sometimes it feels like you were the only pure thing in me. DSC00763

I have lost myself over the years, and have been too focused on being a straight male trying to fit into this rigid and static gender society. But we both know that gender isn’t static, it’s fluid. It’s something I have come to learn as I have grown older.

I miss you as part of my life which might be strange for outsiders to comprehend because I hated being inside that body. And it’s true but there are also a lot of things that were the best part of me. I admit that sometimes I wish I could react the way I used to when I was you, without fear of judgement. I don’t want to be scared anymore to completely be myself; it’s okay not to be like other people. I have started to see my genderdsyphoria as a gift now. Not many people can know what it’s like to both have been female and male in the same lifetime. When I started my transition I tried to distance myself from female behaviour as much as I possibly could in order to fit in.  It was wrong but not strange. I joke when I am around women and say I don’t get them but truth is, I understand completely. And same goes for men.

Tomorrow I turn 29 and I needed to tell you that I love you and I am sorry for trying to eradicate you from my life so hard. I want to honor everything you stood for and how beautiful you were even if I couldn’t see it at the time.

I am still happy that I made the decision to transition and I would never want to go back. But you were absolutely awesome. And I miss having you around.
You were Pure. Sweet. Understanding. Emotional. Female. Male. Beautiful.

I wanted the world to know that You existed in Me, as Me. Happy Birthday to US ❤


9 Signs You’re An Old Soul

9 Signs You’re An Old Soul

9 Signs Youre An Old Soul

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?” ~ Satchel Paige

There is a special kind of person in our world who finds himself alone and isolated, almost since birth.

His solitary existence isn’t from a preference or an antisocial temperament – he is simply old.  Old in heart, old in mind and old in soul, this person is an old soul who finds his outlook on life vastly different and more matured than those around him.  As a result, the old soul lives his life internally, walking his own solitary path while the rest around him flock to follow another.  Perhaps you’ve experienced this in your own life, or have witnessed it in another person?  If so, this article is dedicated to you, in hopes that you will come to define yourself, or understand another better.

The “Old Soul”

Robert Frost, Eckhart Tolle and even Nick Jonas have been called them.  Perhaps even you have?  I did.  Like many of them, this self discovery was made upon meeting Sol, who told me about his childhood as a precocious, intelligent boy who would befriend the teachers instead of the students, just because they were too different from him.  As he related his inability to find interest in and connection to the people his age, I discovered that I felt the same, and still do.

If you have not yet discovered whether you’re an old soul, read some of the revealing signs below.

9 Signs You’re An Old Soul

 1#   You tend to be a solitary loner.

Because old souls are disinterested in the pursuits and interests of the people in their age groups, they find it dissatisfying to make friends with people they find it hard to relate to.  The result is … old souls tend to find themselves alone a lot of the time.  People just don’t cut it for them.

2#   You love knowledge, wisdom and truth.

9 Signs Youre An Old SoulYep … this seems a little grandiose and overly noble, but the old soul finds himself naturally gravitating towards the intellectual side of life.  Old souls inherently understand that knowledge is power, wisdom is happiness and truth is freedom, so why not seek after those things?  These pursuits are more meaningful to them than reading up on the latest gossip about Snooki’s latest boyfriend, or the latest football scores.

3#   You’re spiritually inclined.

More emotional old souls tend to have sensitive and spiritual natures.  Overcoming the confines of the ego, seeking enlightenment and fostering love and peace are the main pursuits of these young-in-body Mother Teresa’s.  To them it seems the wisest, most fulfilling use of time.

9 Signs Youre An Old Soul

4#   You understand the transience of life.

Old souls are frequently plagued with reminders of not only their own mortality, but that of everything and everyone around them.  This makes the old soul wary and at times withdrawn, but wisely dictates the way they live their lives.
5#   You’re thoughtful and introspective.

Old souls tend to think a lot … about everything.  Their ability to reflect and learn from their actions and those of others is their greatest teacher in life.  One reason why old souls feel so old at heart is because they have learnt so many lessons through their own thought processes, and possess so much insight into life situations from their ability to quietly and carefully observe what if going on around them.

6#   You see the bigger picture. 9 Signs Youre An Old Soul

Rarely do old souls get lost in the superficial details of getting useless degrees, job promotions, boob jobs and bigger TV’s.  Old souls have the tendency to look at life from a birds eye view, seeing what is the most wise and meaningful way to approach life.  When confronted with issues, old souls tend to see them as temporary and passing pains that merely serve to increase the amount of joy felt in the future.  Consequently, old souls tend to have placid, stable natures as a result of their approach to life.

7#   You aren’t materialistic.

Wealth, status, fame, and the latest version of iPhone … they just bore old souls.  The old soul doesn’t see the purpose of pursuing things that can be easily taken away from them.  Additionally, old souls have little time and interest for the short-lived things in life, as they bring little meaning or long lasting fulfillment for them.

8#   You were a strange, socially maladaptive kid.

9 Signs Youre An Old SoulThis is not always the case, but many old souls exhibit odd signs of maturity at young ages.  Often, these children are labelled as being “precocious”, “introverted”, or “rebellious“, failing to fit into the mainstream behaviors.  Usually, these children are extremely inquisitive and intelligent, seeing the purposelessness of many things their teachers, parents and peers say and so, and either passively or aggressively resisting them.  If you can talk to your child like he/she’s an adult – you’ve probably got an old soul on your hands.

9#   You just “feel” old.

Before putting a name to what I felt, I experienced certain sensations of simply being an “old person” inside.  The feelings that accompany being an old soul are usually: a feeling of world wariness, mental tiredness, watchful patience, and detached calmness. Unfortunately, this can often be perceived as being aloof and cold, which is only one of many Old Soul Myths.

Just as some old people describe themselves as being “young at heart”, so too can young people be “old at heart”.

Are you an old soul? I know I surely am :).

Found on http://lonerwolf.com/9-signs-youre-an-old-soul/

Rant (Warning; negativity ahead :P )

Thank God, the weekend is here. It’s been a long ass week in my new job, I’m going through a 4 week training first and believe me when I say that it is a LOT of information crammed in a very short time-frame. But the information IS extremely interesting, much more so than anything else I’ve had to train for previously. So I am excited to start.

At the end of the day we (the training group) all decided to go grab a pint at the local watering hole, which is based in the business park (so damn convenient) and while it was nice, it didn’t do a whole lot for me. I am finding it harder and harder to connect with people. I feel like I am awkward around them and being myself is all I want to do but it doesn’t seem like people are understanding who I am. I don’t want to bitch too much about it because it’s only the first week and all but I can usually feel when I am going to connect to someone or not. That feeling isn’t there.
Also I met half of the Dutch team I am going to be working with, and I thought to myself “This is going to be tricky.”. They are the typical Dutch people, who are rude, loud, obnoxious and arrogant, and I can honestly say it made me feel very uncomfortable being around them which is really not a good sign. One already found it necessary to tell me she just absolutely hates Germans. For no reason did she say that other than a German just passing behind me. I just hope that the other 3 can compensate for these ones. It made me realize why I left The Netherlands in the first place and why I have no desire to ever return, not even for a visit. There’s nothing about me that fits in that country’s culture.

From a young age, you are encouraged to be ‘assertive’ in my country, which if you ask me can be a good trait but it’s taken it’s extreme form in MOST of Dutch culture. It becomes being aggressive because people feel so entitled and stressed out that they use their assertiveness to blow up at people at any small thing. Also waving that condescending no-no finger because you aren’t adhering to the social norm of the collective. Being even a little bit different is not something that’s very accepted in this culture even though they’d like you to be believe that Holland is such a tolerant country. It was once upon a time, it definitely isn’t anymore. I see more and more racism coming to the surface, masks are falling and people are showing their true colors. Don’t believe me? Read this.  Also I know that some think that the Dutch are direct, there’s a difference between being direct and being just plain rude and giving unwanted advice. Contrary to what you might believe, this directness does not mean that you won’t be talked about behind your back, because they sure do that anyway.

Being sensitive, polite and friendly have become undesirable traits in Holland and are often seen as weak. Too bad because those are all traits that define me. And so I’ve never belonged in my own country. Sometimes I joke when I say ‘I was born in the wrong body, wrong country and wrong time. Did I get anything right this time around or what?’ but it does make me wonder. I left the Netherlands when I was 18 and it was so necessary for me. I couldn’t handle any of it anymore. I did come back for several years when I was 22 but man, every day I wanted to get out and so I did.

And so it’s ironic that my job is about providing my fellow Dutchmen with Customer Service and Support.. I still am unable to completely escape the culture I so loathe. I know some people reading this will have negative things to say about it, such as that I am generalizing the Dutch. Understand one thing, I’ve lived in it for over 2 decades. I’ve seen the country and culture deteriorate. I am half Dutch, half Surinamese/Indonesian and thusly seen as an ‘Allochtoon’, an offense term only used in Holland to describe a non-western immigrant. There’s also been quite the discussion regarding ‘Black Pete’ who’s part of the extremely popular Sinterklaas-holiday as you can read here, which I do recommend. This is not a question anymore of not fitting in, the Dutch truly lack humility, and self-reflection.

Both my parents have long since emigrated abroad and I think it’s bad when even my own mother, who is 100% Dutch, is unable to stand her fellow countrymen and has no hope left for the country that she used to love.

Sorry for the rant and if it might’ve offended you but these are my own personal experiences from living in different parts in Holland for a very long time as well as coming in contact with other Dutchies abroad. I do want to say that not ALL Dutch are like this, I have met wonderful people who I cherish but the sad truth is that the MAJORITY IS like this and it’s getting worse.

Signing off with Eminem’s new song, Wicked Ways.

A Twin Flame prayer


We are separated by both distance and beliefs, yet my heart is always one with you. Where I go, who I meet, I take you with me. My love for you, our eternal bond shines through my smile and my gaze on everyone I meet. You are a part of me, I cannot deny, forsake, or forget.

I long for the day we are reunited, by the Universe’s grace, in it’s timing, something this important could come no other way and I pray for it daily. I love you to the true depths of my soul and despite the distance, I am with you always.

Be well my love, hear the whisper of my soul to yours and forget me no more. I wait for your return faithfully, hopefully, expectantly, for I have no doubt in you or in Universe who created us both. It has never failed me, I know it won’t fail me here. ~ I love you… I wait for you.

Not written by me. First appeared on http://www.twinflamesanctuary.com/Sacred_Soul_Bonds.php, all credits go the author. I just changed the words God into Universe, as I am not religious but spiritual.