High tide or Low tide

Been slapped in the face with lots of memories recently.
All of them good, warm, fun ones.
And it’s made me just realize harder every time how much I miss your friendship.

Why can’t it go back to the way it used to be?
To just wipe the slate clean and start all over again.
I guess it would never be the same, I can just hear the words coming out of your mouth now.

It’s a lonely road and I’ve made a lot of big mistakes in the recent years.
I was so blinded and confused. Greedy even.

Some days I wish I could have my memory wiped and not know any better than living a life without you. Those are just rare moments though, because I rather be in pain and have those memories firmly stuck inside my heart than live blissfully ignorant of your existence.

Your smile used to make my day and now it’s starting to fade in my mind.
I don’t know if I can do ‘forever’ but I am trying. How can I let go without losing the memories?
That’s my struggle.

The truth is sad, eventually the memories too will fade away and we’ll become strangers to each other once again.

Maybe that’s why I just can’t let go completely, I can’t face that future yet nor do I want to.
If you’d ever let me back in, you’d see the past months I’ve changed so much.

And your past friendship is all that I cherish now from it all.

Some quotes:

‘Someday you’re gonna realize you’ve burned the bridge to the greatest friend you have ever had and it will be far too late to rebuild it.’

‘A broken friendship that is mended through forgiveness can be even stronger than it once was.’

Unending Love

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

-Rabindranath Tagore

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When You Cut Someone Out Of Your Life

I needed to read this.. unable to sleep at 3 AM

olivethepeople

January 5th 2012

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She had one extra ticket.

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For a movie screening in downtown Manhattan. She kept one for herself. And she offered the extra one to me.

I said yes.

I met Leah at the corner of Houston and  E

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At approximately 7:15 pm. “It’s called Sunshine Cinemas” she said. “I’m jumping on the subway now, and I’ll see you soon.”

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She was perfectly on time. She usually was. And I trailed in 2 minutes too late. Like I usually did. She handed me my free ticket when she saw me. And also a voucher that…

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I stood at the edge..

Today was a crazy day..

I was about to do something very stupid and after an epic inner-battle (which is all I can really call it at this moment), I decided to bring positive change to my life.
Over the past few weeks, my depression returned and has become stronger than ever before. I completely shut down from everyone I love, but still acting like I was fine and dandy. I can do this, I’ve done it for 2 decades. My heart has been closed off as well as my chakras.

Today it all came out, all the grief I’ve been holding onto for years. I mourned and I mourned for many things. Most people that know me perhaps realize that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders even when I try not to. So I mourned for the current state of the world, I mourned for lost friendships and loves, I mourned for myself. I have let myself get so out of hand that I have been slowly withering from within and on the outside. I have had many aches and pains that can’t really be explained but I know for certain that I am making myself ill by not letting go. I am exhausted, tired of being in the victim role and stacking my karma so high that I have become a bitter person. Every time somebody hurts me it’s been an affirmation to myself that I wasn’t worthy of anything really.  So I reject myself, and I’ve been doing so more and more sending myself down a path of self-destruction.
I gave up this week, I did. But in that moment where it was the moment of truth, I decided that I can’t let go of this precious human experience. Especially not right now, something is in the air big time. It feels like the calm before the storm, don’t you feel it too?

I will admit it, I am extremely lonely. I don’t feel like I can talk to anybody who truly understands what it’s like to be in this crazy head and heart of mine,
I miss having someone tell me that they can see me hurting and that they care without me having to tell them. My walls have been raised so high that it’s impossible for anybody to get through.  When I met her, my walls came crumbling down and I was being shown what life could truly be like, just happiness. Not that my job was great but she brought out the best in me, and it just happened naturally. I can still kick myself for turning it sour so quickly because what I truly miss…is the friendship, the loving energy, the comfortableness and the connection. A few weeks back, it became clear that she is unable to ever communicate with me again.  I am the one who said that I needed to take an indefinite break so it wasn’t surprising but it devastated me nonetheless. I guess it was the drop that would overflow the bucket. I’ve always held the hope that one day there would be a reunification. So the grieving was also me mourning her ‘death’ (presence) from my life.
Now I see that I have to just let everything fucking go already, the Universe has been shouting at me. Stop taking everything so damn serious Alex!! Stop the fear, stop the worrying. Life is just a ride, it’s an experience, and it’s supposed to be a fun one. I know I wasn’t exactly dealt the greatest cards in the world but I can’t keep blaming everybody and myself for it. If I keep doing that, the cycle will keep spinning and I will keep relapsing until I won’t be able to battle my way through anymore.

I want to release myself from all the hurt that I’ve ever received, all the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made and the pain I’ve inflicted on others.  I hate my current life, the job sucks, the colleagues blow even harder and I’ve no social life. No passion or anything. Today I realised that I want to find my talent, I want to enjoy each and every moment I can doing what I love. So changes will come and hopefully it will be the successful way out of this dark hole I’ve been in for such a long time.

I am taking a leap of faith. Bringing back the joy and laughter in my life.

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Note

 So I write this letter. I am calm and collected which is strange because I thought I would be an emotional and physical wreck after coming to this conclusion.

I have been trying to hang in here, mostly for others because they care. But I am failing to see the end of this deep dark tunnel I am going through. I don’t belong in this world, in this society, in this time. Hell, I didn’t even belong in my biological body. I got it all wrong coming into this life this time.

I look around and I see so much destruction and fear. People judging, fearing and hating each other. It breaks my heart every day. War everywhere and over what?? Resources. Wake up people! Nobody is fighting a war for freedom anymore. It’s all about fear. Living in a monetary system where every individual has to work as a slave in order to be able to do the things they want to do in the remaining time off, when they are not working for 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I don’t know about you, but I am so exhausted of living this way. We are meant to live in abundance, if we want to experience something, to just be able to go out and do it without being told by everybody else that you have ´responsibilities` so stop trying to follow your heart because most likely you will just be labeled as a dreamer or a utopian. Instead I have to make due with the most beautiful stories written and feeling lost when I have to leave that dream-world again.

You know what’s real? We have all the resources we need on this planet to create a utopia, where nobody would ever have worry about money or poverty. Everybody could have access to anything they wanted without ever having to spend a dime. Working 4 hours a day instead of 8, to contribute to society, and the other hours of the day reserved for living out your dreams or spending that time with your loved ones. Or spend it on studying up on what truly inspires you, what truly calls out to you so you can help better the world even more. Why is this not being funded or being talked about extensively in the media?? Because the ones in power want to keep us small and asleep. And it’s worked. We are too caught up in material things and image that we are too blind to realize that the Change is just there for us, waiting for us to take a stand and demand it, because it is our right. Too little people get mad anymore about real things, where is the outrage for the way our rights are being stripped every day under the guise of protection. No, throw a smoke bomb this way, get people too caught up with the new iPhone or a news article about Miley Cyrus twerking it on stage? We have been sucked into a sleep-state and have become so far removed from Nature that we don’t even know how to organically plant food or even how to truly relax without having to share it with the rest of the world by social media.

Our forefathers are the ones who put us in this mess; we never asked to live like this. Worrying about if I am going to have enough money when I’m 67 so I can retire and finally spend MY own time. Are you kidding me?? By the time I reach 67, my body and heart will be so worn out from all the stress I’ve had to endure that I will die by 75. Which would make my entire life on earth a complete waste for not trusting my soul? I plan on getting lost in nature, where I belong. And if I die doing it, I would be a happy soul. I am tired of living a long meaningless, miserable life where I live to work. I rather live a short one filled with wonders, fun, love and nature.

I am not sure what I am going to do in the coming days, I might chose to go to my true home, or I might end up getting swept up into an adventure.
I truly apologize for hurting you all so much, I never wanted to but I just know that I don’t have it in me anymore to keep going the way I am going. I will just be play-acting out a role which isn’t me. Smiling to keep up appearances. I am done with it all. I’ve lived this life for too long already.

I have had to do that all of my life and it ruined everything that might’ve been in store for me. When I most needed an adult in my life, nobody was there for me. They couldn’t see my cries for help because they were caught up too much with their own coping. So I learned, I took on the weight and hid it deep inside. Trying to not show my true emotions to anybody. I might have resented you for it, after all I was only 6 and how good of an actor could I have been after all? As much as I hate to say it, that’s a scar that never seems to want to go away. I feel like I must’ve deserved it because my whole life since has never been anything special. I started physically running away from my shit since I was 18 and nearly 11 years later I haven’t been able to reconcile with those things.

Turning to marijuana was both the best and the worst I could have done.
Pot frees my mind from my body and amplifies all the things I feel and see around me. I can see so much pure beauty when I am high and can physically see the love-energy exchange that occurs between two people. Unfortunately, when I am not smoking, I see everything that’s wrong in the world, and I feel defeated and depressed even more. Not being able to do a damn thing about it. I would give myself like Jesus Christ if I could if it would heal the world and bring true everlasting peace. But I am just a nobody.

My heart has been too big, it hurts to care for people too much because eventually they all leave and forget. The only one that’s never left my side has been Sara and she is the sole reason why I have hung on so long. She’s loved me since the beginning even though I’ve done nothing but brought pain into her life. I can see that I am not good for her and am holding her back from her true potential. She deserves a partner who is enthusiastic about helping her in starting up her business and can actually get her there. I am not that person, even though I’ve truly wished that I was. Together we’ve gained and lost so much, that I am too afraid to truly build with her anymore. I know that I will sabotage it, inadvertently I will sabotage the relationship. And it’s fucked up this I know. I love my Sara so much, I do. But I am not the one for you.

I’ve been advised to forgive myself, so I have tried…..and tried. But I can’t. I’ve been the cause of so many peoples hurt when all I ever aspired to be was to bring light and love to them.
I am too comfortable with lying to family and loved ones because I taught myself how to because at that point I had to. There’s one sole person in this world who I can’t lie to and I love it.
She is my mirror, and her rejection of me is because I reject everything around me including myself. But then why is everything about me an open book to her then? I so badly want to bring all that love that I’ve been saving up so long inside of me, to show her my beautiful side, that I am worthy of love. And in that I put her in the situation to validate my love for myself by tying it up intrinsically with her opinion of me.

How could she possibly have realized, she only just met me and I went too hard…too fast.
Sabotaging myself subconsciously, to turn her off me before she’d recognize me for who I really was.
Because I was not ready to meet you, I was not ready to face myself, I was not ready to just be your friend. I wasn’t ready to be completely selfless and put your needs before mine. I thought I was but in truth I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
I am sorry for bringing hurt to you as well and for not being what you needed me to be. Just your person for life. Having met you and lost you shook my whole world, and I cannot go back to living my physical life without you in it. Every day I miss you, every day my love grows instead of lessening. And I don’t see an end coming, so it’s killing me, and I can’t do it anymore. I would love you if you lost all your hair, or if you weighed 600kg, I would love you until you were old and grey, with no teeth. I would still look into your eyes and fall in love over and over again. And I know you, you’re so stubborn, strong and a bit of a control-freak. But you’re so scared to give in completely to what your heart tells you. I love it that you’re so romantic secretly. All you want is an adventure of a lifetime with a great love story on the side. It’s the reason why I can’t take it anymore. Because you are that great love story for me and I am the guy in the story who stays behind as the love of his life rides off into the sunset with his best friend. I failed the task of seeing our relationship as a transcending love paradigm instead of in a romantic one. The happiest moments in my life were all with you. And I only spend 3-4 months in total with you. You think you already released me but I can’t be released of you in this life, nor any other. The best I can do is disappear completely so you won’t have to be reminded of me anymore.

I am tired of lying. Exhausted of acting. Downright mad that I am just a slave in this system. Disappointed that I couldn’t make a difference. And hating myself for being weak. I should have been able to beat this thing and show everybody that I was worthy. But instead.. I am giving up. Here and now.

Please don’t mourn me. I am in a much better place as I have ever been since I came into this life.
I’ve been wanting to go home for a very long time. Also don’t blame yourselves, it’s all on me.

For the first 23 years I was Sherill, and the last 5 Alex Michael.

But I will always be the Love around you, this I promise you.