¡Viva España!

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I doubt 2014 will be an Irish year for me. As some of you know I went to visit my parents in Spain a little before Christmas, and I actually had the hardest time leaving them and the nice weather again. There’s something about the Mediterranean countries, which I can’t quite explain.

I mean the Irish are quite warm and welcoming too but it bothers me that the good weather is absent most of the time. So after visiting with my family and having a lot of heart-to-heart’s with them, I’ve decided that my immediate goal is to move to Barcelona in 12 months so that I can be relatively close to them and not feel so lonely anymore here in Dublin.
Especially with my parents growing older, I want to not be so far away incase something were to ever happen.

My depression is battling it’s way back into my life and I am administering all of my resources to keep it at bay. What made such a difference in Spain was the brightness of the Sun and the heat. When we touched back down in Ireland, it was hailing, snowing, and raining all at the same time with extreme win on the side. And the weather hasn’t let up until yesterday where we had a semi-sunny but cold day. It makes me feel confined to the apartment because I don’t wanna be out in that weather. There used to be a time where I liked rain and where it made me happy.

It’s been one of the worst Christmases ever where there was really very little warmth and barely any conversation. I am not really sure as to why, I think maybe both of us really missed our family and didn’t really even want to celebrate it. It hurts though because Christmas is such a special holiday to me normally but it’s not been the same for a couple of years now.

However, being with my parents for a while helped me gain a new perspective on my current situation and they gave me the confidence to pursue what I am good at. My parents are great people and unlike my siblings I have forgiven them for all their parenting errors they might have made when we were younger. Eventually who you become is not all about how your parents raised, an equal big part is your spirit. An ego is formed by education, growing up, bad mistakes, good mistakes etc. Spirit is your true you, it’s what never changes and can only grow positively. So stop blaming everything on others, and step back and look hard at yourself. You need to also take some responsibility for how your current life has turned out. After all, our parents were also still all growing up when they had us.
But it’s nice to know that you can always, no matter what, go home to mom & dad. That’s my situation though, a lot of people might not have such loving parents. So I feel quite blessed with that.

Back to why I am leaving Ireland; Much for the same reasons I left Cork but reverse it. Whereas in Cork I had many good and bad memories, Dublin has not impressed me at all. There’s almost a lack of emotion, Dublin doesn’t move me and never really has. Not even when I first started dating S which is quite weird. You think I could connect to Dublin because of that, but no. I have not made any friends here. In fact, the one friend I had I lost when we both moved to Dublin.
I think Ireland has just offered me all I think it could offer me for the time being. The weather is also just making my natural state of melancholy worse, coupled with my depressive episodes, it just doesn’t seem like a fruitious relationship right now. And I need to get out.

In a way I’ve accepted that I have a nomadic soul; I move around and when my lessons have all finished I move on to another destination. That goes for everything I do. Which is why I have so little from the past in my home. I throw it all away usually when I move. But not keeping anything is also taking it’s toll, because eventually you start missing Home but you have no idea where that is anymore. As long as your parents are still around though, you will never not be Home whenever you’re with them. So I am going to go home soon and I am going to be okay again.

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TWIN

Beautiful

Julia Yusupova

baby love

you are the other one of me
you are the earth, i am the tree
i am the moon, you are the sun
although there are two of us, we’re one

how many times you’ve wrecked my nerves!
the mirror in which i myself observe
i grasped, you ran … returned, i spurned
you stressed, i cried, we grew, we learned

rejection, envy, doubt weren’t fun
but battles all were finally won
such suffering was just enough
to bring me to unbounded love

outside opposing, inside same
in me there burns a lasting flame
and in the end, we will both win
because we’re love, my darling twin

 

 

© Julia Yusupova

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I want to go home

On Saturday morning I received a text from my dad that my mom was admitted in the hospital.
I cannot describe the terror that hit my heart when I read the text.

A few weeks ago my mom was really sick as well, and it turned out to be kidney stones, which she hid from me because she didn’t want me to be worried in my state. Apparently those weren’t kidney stones but appendicitis which came to the forefront when my parents were visiting in The Netherlands with my siblings. I was a bit upset because I didn’t hear about it until the next day that my mom was in the hospital and I really wished someone would’ve notified me asap.

Appendicitis can be fatal if left untreated and the fact that the Spanish doctor completely missed this, really doesn’t inspire any confidence for me. It’s still unknown whether my mother will need an appendectomy. Either way I am worried because this is my mom, who is nearly 65 and has never been admitted to the hospital before. It’s in times like these that I realize how much I love my mom and my first thought was ‘ I want my mom’ which just shows that home will always be home, no matter how old you are. It kills me to hear that my mom is in so much pain and I am not there to do anything about it. Unfortunately I just don’t have enough money to fly to Holland.

Sunday I am supposed to fly to Malaga but my parents aren’t very confident in knowing if they’re going to be in Spain because they are supposed to be coming back by car and as long as my mother is still in the hospital..I don’t have too much hope either.
I really feel like I am being crapped on by the Universe right now because this was the only thing I wanted..to see my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful that my mom’s appendicitis was caught in time but it still feels raw to me that I might miss seeing them altogether.. 😦

I am worried…and I wish I could be taking care of her right now.

I love you mom ❤

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The Change

I never really felt like I fit into this society, I’ve always been the outsider in a world that’s never really made sense to me. Something has been wrong with the world for as long as I can remember.

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I think I have finally figured out why. The insatiable need in today’s world for competition, recognition and wealth has turned into a global epidemic, like some mental disorder sweeping over the masses. We have been taught by society that we are all separate, all individuals and that we have to show off what we are worth so we can climb the societal ladder up to the top.

But if you look at nature, which is where we come from, it’s so very clear that we are all connected.
We as human beings at large, have separated ourselves from nature and think that to be happy we need to collect things. More money equals more happiness. Does it really? Because as the richer get richer, the poorer become poorer. And I don’t see more happiness in the world, instead I see more people becoming increasingly more frustrated, lonely, depressed and angry.

We as humans are not inherently evil at the core, we are at heart compassionate and loving. It’simages (7) just that we have been indoctrinated with this propaganda that we are not all equal and that there is a need to have what the neighbor has or to obtain some bigger and better. And we will even go to war over it. Oil anyone?

I now also realize why I’ve never made it to the top in any type of career. It’s simple; I’ve never cared for such things. All I ever wanted was to give love and live in a balanced society, where nobody gets left behind. I have rejected traditional schooling and the rules that society has placed upon me. It’s also one of the biggest reason why I’ve become depressed. I am almost unable to function anymore because I feel the grief and the sorrow weighing heavily on my shoulders. There’s this nagging feeling that I am supposed to fulfill a mission in this lifetime that has to do with this big Change coming. But I still haven’t figured out exactly what it is.

There is a cancer in this world, and it’s spreading. However, there is hope. The masses are awakening. And the people in charge that wish to keep us living this way are losing their grip.

Never has the world been more polarized than now; it’s why some think that the End Times are coming and others believe that Heaven on Earth is around the corner. The energies are extreme, people are desperately clinging onto the old belief system and others are doing their part in tearing it down.

Make no mistake, the World is changing. I used to be a doomsday thinker but this is not the type of energy I want to contribute to the world. See it’s been proven that our thoughts do indeed make a difference in terms of manifesting in reality. And I do not want to be one of those that is caught in the fear-vibration because that will not do any of us any good in the end.

Instead I am going to radiate Love, embody it completely, shine it out to anybody that is in need. Whether it be friend or foe; we ALL need unconditional love.
So go out and give out ‘free hugs’, smile at that stranger on the bus even though he/she might think you an absolute moron. People will never admit it but something inside them is activated when an act of kindness is shown to them. Have you paid attention to other people in daily life recently? So little people smile anymore when they’re out in public, a frown and downturned eyes are usually all I see. I’ve also realized how quickly that can be turned around, just by beaming out positive thoughts. Just try it :).

My identity has been lost for a long time but I think that I am gaining it back slowly. My identity is and always been that of a lover, a dreamer, a thinker and an idealist. I love myself for loving so much even if I’ve gotten hurt so badly in the past. I feel uplifted because I know my purpose now.

And I will start contributing to what the world needs right now, which is compassion and love because there is so little of it in this moment in time. download (1)

I highly recommend watching the documentary ‘I AM’ by Tom Shadyac, director of Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty and more. You can watch it here, http://www.filmsforaction.org/watch/i_am_2010/

This is a documentary that really struck a nerve with me and actually spurred me on to write this post and to make the actual change. I also wanted to add in a music video by Jason Mraz- I Never Knew, most people think this song is about an ex-love but it’s not. It’s about enlightenment, because we’ve forgotten our truth and beauty. Hope you enjoy it!

Be well, and stay in Love.