Hi World, it’s been an awfully long fricking time since I’ve last been on here and contributed something to the blogging-world.
Rest assured; it’s all been for the better. It’s just that the last 4 months have been an incredibly tumultuous but wonderful journey.
In the past months I’ve left a very serious long-term relationship of 8.5 years, moved out of our shared apartment, fell in love with who I know with every fiber of my being to be the love of my life, moved into a great Victorian-style home and generally have been blissfully happy.
That is not to say that I haven’t had my low points since, mainly because of the guilt I have felt towards leaving one of the most important people in my life behind and cutting that cord. Which is something that really needed to happen; it was high time. Even though I know that I’ve done a lot of damage to my ex’ life, I know I would’ve done so much more damage had I decided to stay. Instinctively I always felt that I was holding her back from reaching her true potential in this life. Together we made it through so much; so many great as well as hard times. But somehow, through it all, we had found that we were no longer the same two people who had fallen in love so many years before and had grown apart. Honesty always was such a big part of the relationship, but during the last few years secrets and apathy had started to wreak havoc. Communication is such a crucial part of any type of relationship. And unfortunately that had majorly broken down. Suffice it to say that I eventually got to the point that I no longer could live that kind of life; depression was running rampant inside me and I feel it must have been for her as well. I was a horrible boyfriend and companion for a long time, especially in the end. No longer caring about myself or what happened around me. Until I met her. Who changed my life in every way imaginable, for the better.
Those of you who followed my blog regularly know how much I struggled with depression, existentially (what’s the meaning of it all etc) and just psychologically as well because of all the bad memories and experiences. I constantly relapsed and lost jobs because of it. Came very close many times to ending it, actually I glorified dying because it would (in my own head) bring me to a much happier, loving place. Night after night I scoured the internet for near-death experience tales and ways to take your own life painlessly. In the end I was always way too scared of the pain to go through with it or just the thought of having to live on if the attempt would fail.
All that has changed. I now see that life is so very worth living, and it’s not just because of the woman who entered and pulled back the curtains in my absolutely blacked out room completely isolated from the world. Although she is one of the main reasons, it has changed due to me realizing my own worth and truth. So many years I lied to myself, and living in a lie is such a bullshit thing to do. Live your life for yourself, you only get one. At least one that you are fully aware of. No one should be wasting time trying to fix someone else’s happiness or to not to be true to themselves. And while we’re at it; let go of being so scared of things, such as going after realizing your dreams. Ok, dreams like being the very first person to be able to spontaneously lift off in the air and fly might be a bit hard to realize; still shouldn’t stop you from at least trying it in a lucid state (yes, actual dreams where you’re aware of dreaming). What do you have to lose by going for something that you would already forfeit if you didn’t go for it? Nothing, exactly. In Dutch we have a saying ‘Nee heb je, Ja kun je krijgen’, which basically translates to ‘You have the No already, but you can still have the Yes’. In other words, you have nothing to lose by trying.
Yes, there have been set backs as well. My mother is very sick and has been on her 7th chemotherapy session. This makes her incredibly weak and it really hurts me to see my mother in that state. However, I know and have the faith that she will make a 100% recovery. Besides my mother falling ill, my sister has also suffered a stroke just 2 weeks ago. This came absolutely out of nowhere as she is only 37. My nerves were shot I have to say because this just seems to be a bad year where health for family members is concerned. My sister is still recovering and if there is one positive thing to come out of this, it’s that we might be able to reconnect. When I heard the news I sent her over flowers straightaway with a personal card; according to my mom and her boyfriend, she loved it. This has made me very hopeful for a reunion in the near future, which would also truly help my mother through her hard times.
My life has changed ever so much, to have someone be able to bring out the best in you at all times and want to just be a better person has made all the difference. I’ve been doing very well at my job, learning how to save, to be more responsible and to try to unlock my creativity again. I adore writing, even if I am not that particularly good at it, it’s still something that fulfills me. I’ve had something of a writer’s block for a few years and it bothers me a lot. But I am confident that it’s changing. Being surrounded by such a creative partner is such an exhilarating experience; I want to write the stories to her drawings. She’s so talented. We encourage each other to be creative and it’s great.
That dark cloud that used to cast such a large shadow has dissipated; I’ve finally been collected at Lost & Found. My life has finally begun.
The weather is dull and wet today
Which seems to reflect my thoughts and emotions today
This is not a poem perse, rather me writing out some emotions that I seem to have a hard time figuring out
Like how come I always seem to get myself in positions that confuse the holy heck out of me
Why do these situations happen often?
Where I want something that’s unobtainable
And have to learn to turn away from it and let it go somehow
The last time I had to do that it took me close to 2 years to come to terms with it
I really don’t want to go down a similar path again
So now…what do I do
Man I am such a big fan of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks’ work. I’ve been listening to their albums non-stop lately and everything is just amazing to me. From the lyrics to the guitar riffs, drums and harmonies. It reminds me both of the past and future. So I wanted to share some of the songs I love the most and which I can’t stop listening to.
I hope you enjoy it as much as me! 🙂 There’s quite a lot of them but to be honest it’s such a small selection of the songs I love. Listening to them is so worth it though!
Go your own way:
Never going back again:
I don’t want to know:
Edge of Seventeen:
It feels like I’ve been going through a transformation of sorts.
Without a clear end in mind.
All those things I never would let go off before
All that time I been waiting
Piling up my emotions behind a high brick wall, boxed in x 4
20 million feet tall
Ready to all come tumbling down
With one swift motion, the process has begun
My whole mind decluttering from all the junk I used to own
and refused to throw out
I don’t know what this is, but it sure feels good
It resembles something a lot like pure freedom
No restraints from anyone, anything
I guess telling the truth to yourself every once in a while
does set you free
Yes this is it,
I feel so free, free to soar
High up, where nothing can touch me
To go where I want to, and be there in an instant
So like a caterpillar transforming into the butterfly
It must be quite a picture
But feeling the transformation, is lifechanging.
This is it then. Let’s go
© 31/3/14- DuppyConqueror11
I think this all started with my dad, as far back as I can remember, my dad has collected all types of hats as well as shoes. Ranging from African to Russian winter hats to British Colonial Army hats (see pix below). And he’d wear them with pride too, not caring at all what others might think of him. And let me be honest; my dad being a big black guy wearing a Russian winter hat is kind of hilarious but it gained respect with me because he just gave zero f***s :D. My mom always joked that my dad was more into fashion than she was, which was probably true as his closet space contained way more than hers.
I am not quite that advanced in my collection as I stay mostly with fitted caps, snapbacks and beanies. I like unique caps, ones that you won’t see other people wearing really. Unfortunately I kind of hit a rough patch financially speaking a while back and was unable to really keep on collecting. But I am back on track now and I have BIG plans haha. Most of the caps I buy I get from the USA because they just have a much bigger market for it.
You have to appreciate the small things in life and I love the look of a brand new clean cap. But let me be clear, I DO take all the stickers off. I think it looks stupid and ridiculous to leave these on as many people do. Nobody needs to see you have the head the size of a pea or a watermelon do they? I thought so ;).
I have a similar obsession with sneakers, more specifically high-tops. Unfortunately this obsession is curbed because again importing from USA is costly when it comes to shoes as they require import tax to be paid over it, sometimes coming to the same exact price that was already paid for the shoes. People that know me always joke that I am so American, because I just prefer American brands and I just love loose-fitting, baggy clothes. I guess it goes back to my youth where I wanted to get all these things and couldn’t because my mom prohibited me from buying them (being too manly and all *rolls eyes*). It’s just funny to me how it has affected my personal style over the years and I like to understand why I am the way I am.
The next step for me is to build a display case or shelf where I can showcase my caps when I am not using them, same goes for my sneakers, oh and my videogames, consoles and comic books. This really makes me sound like a regular nerd which doesn’t really bother me because I’ll be doing what I love. I am not necessarily a materialistic person but there are just certain things in life that need to be enjoyed. So I’ve realized the following about myself:
* Mad about headgear
* All about cool sneakers
* Gamerboy who is not necessarily a great at gaming
* Comic book lover
* Old school Hip Hop is my lifestyle of choice
* I really want to also collect Vinyl-records, once I actually get around to buying a record player 😦
* I have expensive taste
No but seriously, it’s fun to have hobbies so don’t let anybody ever make you feel like your hobby is stupid, weird or dumb. As long as it puts a smile on your face, that’s all that matters.
Ever since I’ve started work at my new job, which happens to be a major travel agency, the ideas for travelling have started creeping up again.
Mind you, traveling and NOT moving.
I am going to be turning 30 this November and I am feeling like it’s kind of a big deal; so this year I want to do something special and go somewhere exotic. There are a few destinations on my list but the following are what I’ve come up with so far:
– Cuba; this destination is at the top of my list because there are just so many things that attract me to this country; the location itself (Caribbean), the culture and music (Salsa), the food and the atmosphere. Not to mention that they still have the old school American cars that I absolutely love. It would be an ideal vacation as it would be mixed with a beach break as well as culture infusion :). Totally see myself chillin’ on the beach with a Cuba Libre and a fat cigar. To go salsa-dancing afterwards in one of the many brilliant clubs there.
– Indonesia; While I wouldn’t be able to see all of the islands, I feel like this would be an obvious choice. My roots lie here and I’ve never been to Asia. It’s an absolutely breathtaking country combined with the culture and great weather. However, if I go here I’d want to stay for at least a month and so that might not the best option considering I’d also want to tour more of South-East Asia as well as Australia/NZ.
– Hawaii; to be specific Kaua’i. I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii mostly because of it’s Polynesian appeal while still being able to speak English. I’ve heard that Kaua’i has absolutely spectacular sunsets (I love sungazing), beautiful beaches and again wonderful food. I’d also be able to swim with dolphins here and go snorkeling. Also hiking is supposed to awesome on the island. Not to mention that a lot of movies were filmed in Kaua’i ( I am a big movie nerd) such as the first Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, oh and Pirates of the Caribbean. I mean come on! How awesome would that be?
After that it really starts to become destinations which should be for long vacations only. I wish that I had my drivers license so I could rent a convertible Ford Mustang and cruise the entirety of Route 66 but that’ll have to wait until a few years from now.
Being around my new colleagues has definitely sparked my wanderlust again, as I hear their stories about all the countries they’ve been to. In that way I feel like I haven’t seen anything yet and I used to think I was quite well-travelled! With this new job, I will have 500 euro travel-allowance which I’ll be able to put towards my 30th birthday celebration combined with any other discounts I might be able to get.
So far 2014 seems to be going in a much better direction that previous years; I seem to have found myself and also seem to understand how I tick much better now. I am someone who just floats on the wind, not caring where it takes me next. Which is why I won’t ever be able to tell where I am going to end up 10 years from now. I am ever changing, ever evolving. It kind of scares me to hit the big 30 at the end of the year, mostly because I don’t feel a day over 21. A few years ago I thought I might have ended up married with a family, mortgage and a golden retriever (stereotypical obviously) by now. Now I see that I don’t feel that need at all yet; there’s still TOO much to experience for ME before I am able to commit to a tied down life like that. I’ve just pretty much started living and am not about to give it up.
Not long ago, I was so ready to throw it all away. Throw in the towel and just off myself because my future looked so incredibly bleak and empty. It’s at this moment in time hard for me to imagine how I could’ve been so low. I am careful when I say this moment in time because I know myself, and I have the ability to relapse quickly. However, so far this year I’ve been doing good. Just a couple of low days here and there but nothing like the all-consuming black cloud that swallows me up and keeps me prisoner.
Anyways, that’s it for today. 🙂 For now I’ll be day-dreaming about the below setting.
Awesome post. Definitely identified with it
Press play first.
We have been called many things. Travelers, by default. But we like to be called nomads. Explorers. Vagabonds. Adventurers. Wayfarers. Modern gypsies. Wanderers. We’ve adopted them all. A growing breed of humans with restless feet and the inability to stay still, the inability to stay in one place.
That is who we are. And that’s just the gist of it.
We come from all walks of life, from bustling gray colored cities, sleepy beach towns, snow-covered metropolises, small villages nestled in between lush green mountains, we come from everywhere. But our inner gravity always brings us to the same place… the road.
We deem courage weighs more than money when it comes to travel. We’re not rich, not financially well-off and we don’t travel for luxury. Our money does not come from rich parents, trust funds, or whatever privileges you think we have in order to maintain…
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Another wonderful post. Wanted to share it.
I think the majority of us in this world want to be happy, whether we know it or not. At times it can be easier said than done with all that life brings us and we can forget how to just be simply happy. They say the goal behind every goal is happiness. I would agree with that. When we choose to be happy, our life just flows and that happiness can have a positive affect on everybody that we meet. When we are not happy however, that affects everybody too.
I think Esther Hicks from her book “Ask and it is given” has a great quote about happiness;
“The greatest gift that you could ever give to another is your own happiness, for when you are in a state of joy, happiness, or appreciation, you are fully connected to the Stream of pure, positive Source Energy that is truly…
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Great post, right in time for Valentine’s Day. Had to repost.
Twin Flame Madness….
During the moment you encounter this connection a shift happens in you that shows you Forever.. This is often the euphoric stage of the connection that is always going to be there until mind noise is activated.. As this happens something else comes to light, the activation of the truth about what you have been doing and how you interact in the world of form.. This relationship or union as it were, is filled with a subtle underlying connection that is always going to be in effect as though of the pull to the other person outside you. This is the error of what this means as it comes to how we have always had a relationship or a connection.
The lens we see through when it comes to how we view the world, and how we survive in it alone brings about a very powerful light…
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