Hi World, it’s been an awfully long fricking time since I’ve last been on here and contributed something to the blogging-world.
Rest assured; it’s all been for the better. It’s just that the last 4 months have been an incredibly tumultuous but wonderful journey.
In the past months I’ve left a very serious long-term relationship of 8.5 years, moved out of our shared apartment, fell in love with who I know with every fiber of my being to be the love of my life, moved into a great Victorian-style home and generally have been blissfully happy.
That is not to say that I haven’t had my low points since, mainly because of the guilt I have felt towards leaving one of the most important people in my life behind and cutting that cord. Which is something that really needed to happen; it was high time. Even though I know that I’ve done a lot of damage to my ex’ life, I know I would’ve done so much more damage had I decided to stay. Instinctively I always felt that I was holding her back from reaching her true potential in this life. Together we made it through so much; so many great as well as hard times. But somehow, through it all, we had found that we were no longer the same two people who had fallen in love so many years before and had grown apart. Honesty always was such a big part of the relationship, but during the last few years secrets and apathy had started to wreak havoc. Communication is such a crucial part of any type of relationship. And unfortunately that had majorly broken down. Suffice it to say that I eventually got to the point that I no longer could live that kind of life; depression was running rampant inside me and I feel it must have been for her as well. I was a horrible boyfriend and companion for a long time, especially in the end. No longer caring about myself or what happened around me. Until I met her. Who changed my life in every way imaginable, for the better.
Those of you who followed my blog regularly know how much I struggled with depression, existentially (what’s the meaning of it all etc) and just psychologically as well because of all the bad memories and experiences. I constantly relapsed and lost jobs because of it. Came very close many times to ending it, actually I glorified dying because it would (in my own head) bring me to a much happier, loving place. Night after night I scoured the internet for near-death experience tales and ways to take your own life painlessly. In the end I was always way too scared of the pain to go through with it or just the thought of having to live on if the attempt would fail.
All that has changed. I now see that life is so very worth living, and it’s not just because of the woman who entered and pulled back the curtains in my absolutely blacked out room completely isolated from the world. Although she is one of the main reasons, it has changed due to me realizing my own worth and truth. So many years I lied to myself, and living in a lie is such a bullshit thing to do. Live your life for yourself, you only get one. At least one that you are fully aware of. No one should be wasting time trying to fix someone else’s happiness or to not to be true to themselves. And while we’re at it; let go of being so scared of things, such as going after realizing your dreams. Ok, dreams like being the very first person to be able to spontaneously lift off in the air and fly might be a bit hard to realize; still shouldn’t stop you from at least trying it in a lucid state (yes, actual dreams where you’re aware of dreaming). What do you have to lose by going for something that you would already forfeit if you didn’t go for it? Nothing, exactly. In Dutch we have a saying ‘Nee heb je, Ja kun je krijgen’, which basically translates to ‘You have the No already, but you can still have the Yes’. In other words, you have nothing to lose by trying.
Yes, there have been set backs as well. My mother is very sick and has been on her 7th chemotherapy session. This makes her incredibly weak and it really hurts me to see my mother in that state. However, I know and have the faith that she will make a 100% recovery. Besides my mother falling ill, my sister has also suffered a stroke just 2 weeks ago. This came absolutely out of nowhere as she is only 37. My nerves were shot I have to say because this just seems to be a bad year where health for family members is concerned. My sister is still recovering and if there is one positive thing to come out of this, it’s that we might be able to reconnect. When I heard the news I sent her over flowers straightaway with a personal card; according to my mom and her boyfriend, she loved it. This has made me very hopeful for a reunion in the near future, which would also truly help my mother through her hard times.
My life has changed ever so much, to have someone be able to bring out the best in you at all times and want to just be a better person has made all the difference. I’ve been doing very well at my job, learning how to save, to be more responsible and to try to unlock my creativity again. I adore writing, even if I am not that particularly good at it, it’s still something that fulfills me. I’ve had something of a writer’s block for a few years and it bothers me a lot. But I am confident that it’s changing. Being surrounded by such a creative partner is such an exhilarating experience; I want to write the stories to her drawings. She’s so talented. We encourage each other to be creative and it’s great.
That dark cloud that used to cast such a large shadow has dissipated; I’ve finally been collected at Lost & Found. My life has finally begun.