Just now I stumbled across my sister’s FB-page by way of another family member. This wouldn’t be anything special, had it not been for the fact that I haven’t spoken to my sister or my brother since 2007 now. I see how much their children are growing up and how they are excelling at life. It puts a smile on my face but also makes my heart hurt as I know I won’t ever be close to any of them.
Damn these social media sites! At least before, I couldn’t see as much what they were doing but now it only makes the hurt worse.
The reason I am not on speaking terms with my siblings is too private and won’t ever be discussed on here but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to talk about how much I miss them.
My family never was much of an extremely loving family. Don’t take that the wrong way because I felt very loved but in our home you never said “I love you”. Apparently, according to my mom, I was a very cuddly and loving child. Almost embarrassingly so as I always liked to cuddle in public up until I was about 14. While I am at it, I might as well just disclose my biggest secret ever; I had a baby blankey until I was 18. There I said it! A grown man with a baby blanket. Whatever man, I had that blankey since I was a wee one.
Anyways, to get back to the subject at hand. I was the youngest by far. The age difference between me and my sister are 8 years, between my brother it’s 10. I felt very much like an only child growing up as my siblings were always off somewhere or doing things together because they were closer in age. I was just the annoying younger sibling who looked up to them and who they had to take care of when ma and pa weren’t around. Most of the time I hung out with my dad and he used to take me every where. That’s how some of the best memories I have were created. A lot of dramatic events happened in my childhood and it kind of scattered my family, never really bringing it back to a solid unit. Until I was about 22. I moved back to Holland and started hanging out regularly with my siblings. It was awesome and I felt loved, you know, part of a real family. Blood is blood, after all.
Unfortunately the drama didn’t stay away, and this time the bond broke again. I really hope not permanently, but there is very a good chance it is. My parents got caught in the middle and it has been painful and awkward ever since. Especially when I read or hear about things such as weddings, children being born or reunions. I guess that’s why I don’t like to let people close to me, why would I when my family (FYI; never my parents!) has abandoned me multiple times. I grew up as a loner, and that’s just what I am used to being now. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. It’s my way of protecting and keeping myself from anymore heartbreak.
I do miss my siblings though (at times it gets unbearable) and I wish them all the best in their lives. It would’ve been nice if they would’ve been more open minded and loving towards their younger sibling though, considering I would’ve had their backs through thick and thin.
It’s at these times that I can tell that I am getting older. Time’s becoming too precious to let things go unsaid and to hold onto grudges. Life is all about LOVE. That’s all that really matters but we humans tend to fill our heads with nonsense that we need the new iPad, or Gucci-bag more. Life is NOT about materialistic things, all that stuff will perish. Love, however is infinite energy that will keep on flowing. I’ve forgiven most people in my life for what they have done to me, but there’s yet one person I haven’t forgiven yet who is the most important. And that person is myself. But that is slowly changing, I am learning and growing.
Until one day I can look at myself in the mirror and not have any regrets about my life at all.
Finally Collected At Lost & Found 