I am going numb..

1103225662_tuffBroken

I’ve been struggling with depression for quite some time now. Even if I haven’t admitted it to myself that it’s been going on for the majority of my life.
People always regard me as a happy person but the truth is that I am quite melancholic and sometimes even think I might be a glutton for pain. I never choose the easy way in life but I also never seem to finish anything I start.

I thought 2012 was going to be a spectacular year, yet it turned out to be a year of extremes. Just like all the other previous years back to 2009. I am kind of over expectations now because things seem to not turn out the way I hope them to. How did things get this screwed up for me? I did it all to myself. I am so lonely and I’ve so much love to give.
What’s my direction in life? I am 28 now and seemingly not any step closer to my destiny. A decade gone by of life-experiences, for which I AM grateful, but a decade holds so many memories. And I feel like I am feeling it too intensely, living through the memories one by one. Reliving the decisions I’ve made, if they were the right ones. It doesn’t matter, it’s the past I realize this but it’s not so easily ignored.  But I do think of the past fondly, it shaped me to the person I am today. And whether or not I love the person I am, I still have to live with myself so I better learn to.

I need to bid adieu to all the things that don’t serve me in this life this year. But I am still so confused, I hang on certain things with  a little glimmer of hope. Just so tired of making the same mistakes over and over again, like I don’t learn.  Just a little bit of clarity as to what I am supposed to be doing would be great. I am broken. broken_by_liebe_sie

For real- Amel Larrieux

“For Real”

I can run, I can race for hours and hours 
And don’t stop 
I can float I can fly us to the highest 
Mountain top I can breathe you, I can drink in your laugh 
I can… I can live on your smile I can trip and if I can fall into your arms I can 
Stay there my whole life 

[Chorus]
I can live 
I can love
I can be better with you,
For real 
I can hear 
I can feel 
I can see
I can tell 
You are for real 

I can stare; I can memorize your face, your hands, your hair 
Every part of you I can cut off any loose ends and not even wanna keep a few 
I can speak to you so honestly I can’t even run any game 
I can hear a million angels singing in my ears 
When I say your name

[Chorus]

I can’t smile, can’t dream like a child 
Can’t feel safe in this wide world without you 
I can’t go can’t disturb this flow
Can’t begin to know what I would do
I can’t see, can’t find strength to be 
Rather not be me without you 
I can’t deal, I can’t even feel, without you I’m not real 

Make me whole- Amel Larrieux

This song makes my heart sing..

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I could get this thing right
And I don’t think there’s anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I’ve waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You’re the other half that makes me whole
You’re the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me, said you’re just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there’s one thing that’s true
It’s that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You’re the other half that makes me whole
You’re the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You’re the other half that makes me whole
You’re the only other half that makes me whole

Late night confession

Looking back on the past 2 years, I see a pattern of complete and utter stupidity, guided solely by the heart.

2 years ago I met the best friend I could have wished for yet I couldn’t keep my own feelings in check and fell in love. The falling in love-part is understandable but not the way I pushed them onto her because I thought she felt the same. I didn’t push just once but several times and ended up losing her because of all the stupid actions I took. I couldn’t handle the intensity anymore and needed to get away. I stopped completely talking to her because I was under the impression I had fucked everything up. So I left the country and that without saying good bye in person. I just fled like a chickenshit loser. Not realising that it only was made worse now.. I regret it sincerely especially because most of all I miss her friendship and I miss her smiling at me. Now when I run into her, Its awkward and she doesn’t like to look at me or even talk to me. Her body language screams for me to get away from her. That’s probably the most painful.. Being rejected on both levels, romantic as well as platonic. I wish she could see that it was all just a big mistake from my side and that I would do almost anything to make it up to her. Just so we could be friends again…

I have to be honest though and say that I know this is one friendship I will never regain.. I fear that since she is leaving the country soon, that I won’t see or hear from her again.

Love, why do you have to be so difficult and painful? I didn’t ask to fall in love back then. Thankfully now that’s over. But I lost too much in the process.