I found this on one of the forums I frequent and even thought I didn’t write it, it hits home so hard that my eyes are streaming down my face. I wish I could write a similar letter to my twin but in all reality I know I shouldn’t because so much has been said already. With the 21st around the corner, all the energies around me are intensifying causing me physical and mental ache. I am having trouble sleeping solidly and have intense and sometimes scary dreams. I have no idea what’s gonna happen if anything even. All I know is that the letter below is exactly, down to the tee how I am feeling.
‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry for falling in love with you, I’m sorry for saying goodbye; I wish we could have stayed friends, but I know in the end I would have still said goodbye, I would have been unsatisfied. Why? You existed in my dreams before I knew you, you were born of my deepest dreams, you are perfect to me.
I’m sorry that you think I’m just a karmic partner and perhaps that is why you don’t talk to me. I don’t know. I’m sorry that I disrespected you, but you have to understand how much I was hurting. Have you ever felt your soul being ripped out of your body? That’s how I describe the pain you put me through. It hurt in a beautiful way, because that’s all I had left of you. I don’t keep the memories of you, because you said you didn’t love me. So I gave up our past together. The only thing I hold onto is you, and I find myself giving up, and coming back to you in my heart, over and over again.. I’m starting to accept this whole thing, yet I feel I’m losing it inside, because you’re not around, and because it’s damn hard to accept that this life is going to end and you *may* not be around for the rest of it…that’s the hardest part. I don’t need you because I’m lonely or because there’s a missing part of me, but I do admit I want you around because I love you above all, but also because I was happy with you, and we shared something I haven’t been able to find with anyone else.
I’m sorry that I let this go on for so long. This…well, you know what I mean. But I’m finally going to give you what you asked for, and I hope one day the truth will find you. I know it’s for the best that I do this, no matter how much it hurts me. I need time as well to figure out what I want to do with my life. I have to admit I’ve been stuck these past years… I’ve given myself time to process all these painful feelings before taking the next step.. it was much needed, and soon I will be(hopefully) moving to the next step. I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet. I don’t think I am, but I can try. That’s all I can do. Try, and find out.
This has been such a painful process for me, and I don’t know if you know how much your absence has affected me. I won’t go into detail about it, because I’m working on getting better…but one thing I do want you to know is how much I love you. Only God knows the answer to that one. I hope one day you will just know.
I hope that you find someone who will love you more than you can imagine, and who will not hurt you in any way. I hope you continue on your spiritual path. I wish I could tell you right now what I told you one of the last times we spoke over phone, that time you simply said “Thank you” That was the first time in my life I was afraid to say those words. That took a lot for me. Do you even know that I have always loved you? Before I met you, everything I did lead me to you. My childhood went by so fast, and when I met you it’s like the veil that was blinding me was removed. I was fullly aware. Did you know even though I’ve always loved you, I didn’t always quite *know* that I loved you? I’m quite aware now… I would never make those same mistakes again, yet I know I can’t expect another chance. Something I did must have really thrown you off or something because this was unexpected you. I didn’t know that one mistake(and a insignificant one?) would alter my life so much. I didn’t know that loving someone could ever be a mistake. But somehow this is my punishment for loving and outwardly showing my love.
It’s been way too long since we shared a hello. I miss you like hell. I hope one day I can figure this out, this balancing act that I must do. I hope one day I may be able to stand tall and know that even though I love you, I can still be just your friend. I hope one day I’m strong enough for that…’