Worth The Wait

Wow..beautiful

Diary of an Epistrophian Starseed

Seasons have changed,
and the leaves are falling.
The breezes bring with
them, a silent calling.
The skies grow dimmer,
yet the light shines bright.
A light visible to kindred
spirits like you and I.
I see you in the room with me
and everybody disappears.
I see a light around you that
has shined for all these years.
When the eyes finally meet,
and the hearts palpitate,
the angels sing around us,
like a melodious call of fate.
For this I will keep returning,
for these seconds of ecstasy.
And the human in you will
one day, see the divine in me.
Until then, my beloved,
know that it is never too late.
I will keep coming for you,
because you are worth the wait.

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A runner’s story

A RUNNERS STORY (not mine)

I am a Runner. I ran from the connection. It literally took me 6 months to even see that I was the one who was running. What you have to understand about the Runner is they are in absolute agony, and they are being pulled by the energy of the connection, which is absolutely maddening.

I felt my own pain, but I also felt my Twin Soul‘s pain. It was a feeling of panic. I would wake up with it, and it was the most awful feeling. The only way I can describe it is waking up from a sound, peaceful sleep and in a matter of seconds, you feel extreme anxiety and this ungodly feeling of loss. Your heart is actually hot and it pounds; your chest is sweating. It’s the sensation of a nightmare where you’re being chased, only you’re awake. That’s how I would wake up every morning.

Combined with feeling his pain and emotions, I was also feeling this incredible pull towards him. Everything in my body was telling me that I need to be with this man. But, something was telling me inside that I was not ready. Something was telling me I needed to really look hard at myself and my issues and fix myself, so what happened with my Twin Soul would never happen again.

I knew that even if he called me and told me how much he missed and loved me, I would still be a mess. There would never be a happily ever after until I did the work on myself. So I ran. And by running, I dove further into myself (if that makes sense) to fix what was broken inside me.

I stopped going out with my friends and became a hermit. I worked and came home, and that’s it. I was in an emotional coma. I was dealing with the loss of my Twin Soul, the strong energies that were pulling me to him, his pain, my own pain, and to top it all off, I was going through a spiritual awakening. I was a mess. I also knew this was my time to fix all my issues. I knew I had to run and be myself to do it. I love my Twin Soul so much that I didn’t want him to have to deal with me until I had fixed myself. So I disappeared. I took myself off Facebook, and I became a ghost. I honestly didn’t even know I was running from him.

In the meantime, I saw signs every day telling me that this connection to him was the real deal. I felt chased by the Universe. I kept thinking “Please leave me alone! I’m just trying to get over him, and you’re making this really hard!” In my head, I thought he was the one who had run out on me. That’s how crazy these connections can make you. The energy is so strong that you feel like you’re going insane. That’s why they call it “Runner’s Insanity.”

It wasn’t until April/May, when I had the realization that I was the one who had run, and I was the one who was still running. I saw everything clearly and I thought about our fight and the way things had played out. And I realized that I couldn’t deal with the intensity of the connection anymore, so I said “If you want me gone, I’m gone.” I saw it as me giving him an out because I thought that’s what he wanted, but he didn’t. He ended up taking the out because he thought I wanted it. We mirrored each other’s fears. I’m sure by forcing his hand to end it, I broke his heart. I hurt him, but I hurt myself, too, in unfathomable ways. Even as spiritually awakened as I was, I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I couldn’t see that I was the one who had ended it. I couldn’t see that I was running.

As She wrote in her article, Why is my Twin Soul Running from me?, runners leave the relationship out of fear. They are scared to death. They are frightened of the intense love they feel for their Twin Soul. They are so terrified that this feeling of love is one-sided that they high-tail it out of the relationship as fast as their sneakers can take them! – But where does this fear come from? The fear comes from deep-seated issues that have plagued this person for not only all of this lifetime, but previous lifetimes. This is what is meant by “karma.” Karma is soul memory. In our past lives, we experience many things that will teach us lessons. These lessons can come in the form of losing the loves of our lives, being abandoned, betrayal by somebody we love, or even somebody killing us, and the soul never forgets. The pain of all those things resonates within us, until we do the work to clear and heal the karma and the issues, once and for all, which is exactly what Twin Soul connections do.

But nothing about the process is easy. It’s incredibly painful. It truly is a blessing, but it will feel like a curse sometimes. It’s the Universe’s way of fixing us. With extreme pain, comes change and transformation. During these separations, only until you have seen the darkness will you see the sun. It is something that we must accept as we move through this spiritual journey. By meeting the Twin Soul, a mirror is held up in front of the Runner’s eyes, and they can see everything that is wrong with them. All those issues of self-love, abandonment, codependency, etc., come to the surface. Suddenly, this person sees their issues, issues that they’ve avoided for possibly lifetimes, and it’s terrifying, so they run, run, run. They don’t even know what they’re running from. They just know they need to get out. And by getting out, they leave their Twin Soul behind.

Many of you may blame your Runners for walking out on you, starting new relationships, and rejecting one of the most Divine unions a person can ever be blessed to have, but you have to realize that this is all part of their journey to find themselves. They cannot be with you until they do that. Some people aren’t as spiritually enlightened, so it’s going to take them longer to find their way back to you. Some people will try to distract themselves any way they can (relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc.) so they don’t have to face their issues, but trust me, they don’t have a choice. They can put it off, but it will happen. You can’t fight the Universe.

When I ran from my Twin Soul, I loved him more than I loved myself, because I didn’t know how to love myself, which was one of my issues. True love must come from within before you can give it to another person. You have to love yourself first, or a relationship will never work between you two. There is no way around it either: Once the energies between Twin Souls become unbalanced, you separate, and the Universe forces you to balance the energies, whether you like it or not. The only way to come back together is for each of you to work on yourself separately. Only through inner love and happiness will a reconnection take place.

In the meantime, you have to accept that they are on a personal journey, and you can’t blame them or feel that they’ve abandoned you. They haven’t. It all goes deeper than it seems. What you see on the surface is a person who has left you because they don’t care about you, but if you look into the spiritual side, you will see they have left because they love you so much that they have to become stronger just so they can handle the fire storm of love and emotions they truly feel.
They have to be able to look at you aka their “Mirror”, and like what they see. Some of them aren’t ready to do that. Some of them haven’t found the love within themselves yet. And some of them have a deep soul knowing that they’re not ready to be with you. It’s okay. Let them find themselves. And if that involves having other relationships, you must accept it is a part of their journey, as difficult as that may be.

No pushing on your part will ever make them come back. They will come back when it’s time. The only thing you can do is do the inner work, find peace amidst the chaos, and balance amidst the pain and pull of the connection, and love yourself. Loving yourself is the key to surviving this Divine connection. Without love in your heart, you will only experience pain. And ultimately, the pain will keep you from reconnecting. Love will bring you back.

Beauty

A friend posted this on FB, thought it was beautifully said and I can only say “yes, yes, yes…” to this. If I could only see this is myself, I’d be okay right now.

 

“When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.”

These feelings…

So I gotta write this while these feelings in me are so strong at the moment
I am starting to finally realize that my relationship with food is not a healthy one. I despise it but can’t live without if I wanted to.

When I was little kid I was rail thin and the doctor joked with my mom that I would never be a fat person. Surprise Surprise when the year after that I doubled in weight due to very stressful home situations. Food in that time was my best friend when nobody would be there to comfort me, when I was in real need of help. In a way, everything stressful that I experience is eaten away instead of talked away. It’s how I cope.

Lately, however my self-loathing has kicked in big time and where I at first, starting feeling love for me for the first time in my life, it now has switched to looking in the mirror where I see a blubbery-fat monster. Every waking second that I have, is concentrated towards how I look and how people may perceive me. Is my tummy showing? Is this t-shirt too tight? Is my stomache moving too much? These are ridiculous thoughts I am well aware but I can’t seem to stop them. Instead they are starting go from whispers to screaming and yelling in my ear.  I don’t want to hate myself anymore and more than anything I want to become healthy and happy because I deserve it. But don’t feel like I do.

This has been the biggest battle in my life and every time I lose the fight again. I should probably talk to someone because this is starting to worry me and I don’t want to start barfing or do anything else stupid..

:(.. sorry for the depressing post.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
— Deborah Reber