Cork, Thanks for the memories

So, I am moving once again this coming weekend.

I’ve decided to leave Cork behind and move to the capital of this country, Dublin. It feels like the right thing to do. It never felt quite the same after moving back here for the second time and to me Cork seems to have changed, in a negative way. Could also be me though. Either way it feels like the right time to move on.  I’ve experienced everything I am going to experience in this town and am thankful for the memories, the good as well as the bad. 

Dublin will be quite different, it’s so much busier and fast-paced. I will definitely enjoy the anonimity of the big city. I am always running into people I know where I am now and sometimes (more often than not) I am just not in the mood to chat with these people. Also I miss the conveniences of a bigger city, things I can’t get here. Not saying I won’t miss this little town. Cork has a great charm to it, with warm people and awesome pubs and I would recommend it to anybody to visit or to live. However, I’ve noticed that it functions primarily as a transport-hub of sorts. People never stay permanently and always move on after having stayed for a while. That alone makes me a little nervous to truly bond with people because they will leave anyways. Ireland is an awesome country, and I feel so lucky to live here. I don’t see myself leaving this country either anytime soon :). After trying out several other countries, Ireland is where I feel most at home (although 4 seasons would be appreciated). It’s still bloody cold and rainy here towards the end of March!! In Dublin, it has been snowing for the last two days as a testament! But I figure I will keep those requests for holidays, I’ve got plenty of time to figure out where to go next. Currently I am leaning towards the Florida Keys or just the Caribbean straight up. 

Man, Cork was great and wonderful but to all good things come an end. 

Below some pictures of this little ‘Republic’.




MK Ultra and Mind Control, wake up..

Okay, I am going to be discussing the MK Ultra-project, and Mind Control in this particular blog-post. Now some of this stuff may sound outlandish but the MK Ultra-project and Mind Control is incredibly real and needs to be voiced. It also hasn’t stopped with this particular project and has been perfected by those in the shadows. It will be a long post, and will be using as a source. A lot of it will also be straight up copied by me, because I would never be able to describe this particular subject as well as vigilantcitizen does. All I ask of you, if you are not already familiar with this, is to keep an open mind and hopefully start questioning EVERYTHING in this world. There is so much evil going on and by being ignorant to it, you are in a way contributing to it.

Origins and Techniques of Monarch Mind Control

Dec 12th, 2012 | 

Monarch Programming is a method of mind control used by numerous organizations for covert purposes. It is a continuation of project MK-ULTRA, a mind-control program developed by the CIA, and tested on the military  and civilians. The methods are astonishingly sadistic (its entire purpose is to traumatize the victim)  and  the expected results are horrifying: The creation of a mind-controlled slave who can be triggered at anytime to perform any action required by the handler.  While mass media ignores this issue, over 2 million Americans have gone through the horrors of this program. This article looks at the origins of Monarch programming and some of its methods and symbolism.


NOTE: This article contains disturbing elements and might trigger Monarch survivors.

Monarch programming is a mind-control technique comprising elements of Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) and Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). It utilizes a combination of psychology, neuroscience and occult rituals to create within the slaves an alter persona that can be triggered and programmed by the handlers. Monarch slaves are used by several organizations connected with the world elite in fields such as the military, sex slavery and the entertainment industry. This article will look at the origins of Monarch programming, its techniques and its symbolism.


Throughout the course of history, several accounts have been recorded describing rituals and practices resembling mind control. One of the earliest writings giving reference to the use of occultism to manipulate the mind can be found in the Egyptian Book of the Dead. It is a compilation of rituals, heavily studied by today’s secret societies, which describes methods of torture and intimidation (to create trauma), the use of potions (drugs) and the casting of spells (hypnotism), ultimately resulting in the total enslavement of the initiate. Other events ascribed to black magic, sorcery and demon possession (where the victim is animated by an outside force) are also ancestors of Monarch programming.

It is, however, during the 20th century that mind control became a science in the modern sense of the term, where thousands of subjects have been systematically observed, documented and experimented on.

One of the first methodical studies on trauma-based mind control were conducted by Josef Mengele, a physician working in Nazi concentration camps. He initially gained notoriety for being one of the SS physicians who supervised the selection of arriving prisoners, determining who was to be killed and who was to become a forced labourer. However, he is mostly known for performing grisly human experiments on camp inmates, including children, for which Mengele was called the “Angel of Death”.

Mengele is infamous for his sordid human experiments on concentration camps prisoners, especially on twins. A part of his work that is rarely mentioned  however, is his research on mind control. Much of his research in this field was confiscated by the Allies and is still classified to this day.

“DR. GREEN (Dr. Joseph Mengele): The most significant programmer, perhaps one could give him the title of the father of Monarch Programming was Joseph Mengele, an ex-Nazi Concentration Camp doctor. Thousands of Monarch mindcontrolled slaves in the U.S. had “Dr. Green” as their chief programmer.” 1

“Dr. Joseph Mengele of Auschwitz notoriety was the principle developer of the trauma-based Monarch Project and the CIA’s MK Ultra mind control programs. Mengele and approximately 5, 000 other high ranking Nazis were secretly moved into the United States and South America in the aftermath of World War II in an Operation designated Paperclip. The Nazis continued their work in developing mind control and rocketry technologies in secret underground military bases. The only thing we were told about was the rocketry work with former Nazi star celebrities like Warner Von Braun. The killers, torturers, and mutilators of innocent human beings were kept discretely out of sight, but busy in U.S. underground military facilities which gradually became home to thousands upon thousands of  kidnapped American children snatched off the streets (about one million per year) and placed into iron bar cages stacked from floor to ceiling as part of the ‘training’. These children would be used to further refine and perfect Mengele’s mind control technologies. Certain selected children (at least the ones who survived the ‘training’) would become future mind controlled slaves who could be used for thousands of different jobs ranging anywhere from sexual slavery to assassinations. A substantial portion of these children, who were considered expendable, were intentionally slaughtered in front of (and by) the other children in order to traumatize the selected trainee into total compliance and submission”. 2

Mengele’s research served as a basis for the covert, illegal CIA human research program named MK-ULTRA.


Declassified MK-Ultra document (seen above in picture)

Project MK-ULTRA ran from the early 1950s to at least the late 1960s, using American and Canadian citizens as its test subjects. The published evidence indicates that Project MK-ULTRA involved the use of many methodologies to manipulate individual mental states and alter brain functions, including the surreptitious administration of drugs and other chemicals, sensory deprivation, isolation, and verbal and physical abuse.

The most publicized experiments conducted by MK-ULTRA involved the administration of LSD on unwitting human subjects, including CIA employees, military personnel, doctors, other government agents, prostitutes, mentally ill patients, and members of the general public, in order to study their reactions.

However, the scope of MK-ULTRA does not however stop. Experiments involving violent electroshocks, physical and mental torture and abuse were used in a systematic matter on many subjects, including children.


Declassified picture of a young MK-ULTRA subject, 1961.

Although the admitted goals of the projects were to develop torture and interrogation methods to use on the country’s enemies, some historians asserted that the project aimed to create “Manchurian Candidates”, programmed to perform various acts such as assassinations and other covert missions.

MK-ULTRA was brought to light by various commissions in the 1970s, including the Rockefeller Commission of 1975. Although it is claimed that the CIA stopped such experiments after these commissions, some whistle-blowers have come forth stating that the project simply went “underground” and Monarch Programming has become the classified successor of MK-ULTRA.

The most incriminating statement to date made by a government official as to the possible existence of Project MONARCH was extracted by Anton Chaitkin, a writer for the publication The New Federalist. When former CIA Director William Colby was asked directly, “What about monarch?” he replied angrily and ambiguously, “We stopped that between the late 1960s and the early 1970s.” 

Monarch Programming

Although there has never been any official admittance of the existence  of Monarch programming, prominent researchers have documented the systematic use of trauma on subjects for mind-control purposes. Some survivors, with the help of dedicated therapists, were able to “deprogram” themselves to then go on record and disclose the horrifying details of their ordeals.

Monarch slaves are mainly used by organizations to carry out operations using patsies trained to perform specific tasks, who do not question orders, who do not remember their actions and, if discovered, who automatically commit suicide. They are the perfect scapegoats for high-profile assassinations (see Sirhan Sirhan), the ideal candidates for prostitution, slavery and private movie productions. They are also the perfect puppet performers for the entertainment industry.

“What I can say is I now believe that ritual-abuse programming is widespread, is systematic, is very organized from highly esoteric information which is published no-where, has not been on any book or talk show, that we have found it all around this country and at least one foreign country.

People say, “What’s the purpose of it?” My best guess is that the purpose of it is that they want an army of Manchurian Candidates, ten of thousands of mental robots who will do prostitution, do movies, smuggle narcotics, engage in international arms smuggling, all sorts of very lucrative things, and do their bidding and eventually the megalomaniacs at the top believe they’ll create a Satanic Order that will rule the world”. 4

Monarch programmers cause intense trauma to subjects through the use of electroshock, torture, abuse and mind games in order to force them to dissociate from reality – a natural response in  some people when then are faced with unbearable pain. The subject’s ability to dissociate is a major requirement and it is ,apparently, most readily found in children that come from families with multiple generations of abuse. Mental dissociation enables the handlers to create walled-off personas in the subject’s psyche, which can then be programmed and triggered at will.

“Trauma-based mind control programming can be defined as systematic torture that blocks the victim’s capacity for conscious processing (through pain, terror, drugs, illusion, sensory deprivation, sensory over-stimulation, oxygen deprivation, cold, heat, spinning, brain stimulation, and often, near-death), and then employs suggestion and/or classical and operant conditioning (consistent with well-established behavioral modification principles) to implant thoughts, directives, and perceptions in the unconscious mind, often in newly-formed trauma-induced dissociated identities, that force the victim to do, feel, think, or perceive things for the purposes of the programmer. The objective is for the victim to follow directives with no conscious awareness, including execution of acts in clear violation of the victim’s moral principles, spiritual convictions, and volition.

Installation of mind control programming relies on the victim’s capacity to dissociate, which permits the creation of new walled-off personalities to “hold” and “hide” programming. Already dissociative children are prime “candidates” for programming”. 

Monarch mind control is covertly used by various groups and organizations for various purposes. According to Fritz Springmeier, these groups are known as “The Network” and form the backbone of the New World Order.

Origins of the Name

Monarch mind control is named after the Monarch butterfly – an insect who begins its life as a worm (representing undeveloped potential) and, after a period of cocooning (programming) is reborn as a beautiful butterflies (the Monarch slave). Some characteristics specific to the Monarch butterfly are also applicable to mind control.

“One of the primary reasons that the Monarch mind-control programming was named Monarch programming was because of the Monarch butterfly. The Monarch butterfly learns where it was born (its roots) and it passes this knowledge via genetics on to its offspring (from generation to generation). This was one of the key animals that tipped scientists off, that knowledge can be passed genetically. The Monarch program is based upon Illuminati and Nazi goals to create a Master race in part through genetics. If knowledge can be passed genetically (which it is), then it is important that parents be found that can pass the correct knowledge onto those victims selected for the Monarch mind control.” 

“When a person is undergoing trauma induced by electroshock, a feeling of light-headedness is evidenced; as if one is floating or fluttering like a butterfly. There is also a symbolic representation pertaining to the transformation or metamorphosis of this beautiful insect: from a caterpillar to a cocoon (dormancy, inactivity), to a butterfly (new creation) which will return to its point of origin. Such is the migratory pattern that makes this species unique.” 


The victim/survivor is called a “slave” by the programmer/handler, who in turn is perceived as “master” or “god.” About 75% are female, since they possess a higher tolerance for pain and tend to dissociate more easily than males. Monarch handlers seek the compartmentalization of their subject’s psyche in multiple and separate alter personas using trauma to cause dissociation.

The following is a partial list of these forms of torture:

1. Abuse and torture

2. Confinement in boxes, cages, coffins, etc, or burial (often with an opening or air-tube for oxygen)

3. Restraint with ropes, chains, cuffs, etc.

4. Near-drowning

5. Extremes of heat and cold, including submersion in ice water and burning chemicals

6. Skinning (only top layers of the skin are removed in victims intended to survive)

7. Spinning

8. Blinding light

9. Electric shock

10. Forced ingestion of offensive body fluids and matter, such as blood, urine, feces, flesh, etc.

11. Hung in painful positions or upside down

12. Hunger and thirst

13. Sleep deprivation

14 Compression with weights and devices

15. Sensory deprivation

16. Drugs to create illusion, confusion, and amnesia, often given by injection or intravenously

17. Ingestion or intravenous toxic chemicals to create pain or illness, including chemotherapy agents

18. Limbs pulled or dislocated

19. Application of snakes, spiders, maggots, rats, and other animals to induce fear and disgust

20. Near-death experiences, commonly asphyxiation by choking or drowning, with immediate resuscitation

22. Forced to perform or witness abuse, torture and sacrifice of people and animals, usually with knives

23. Forced participation in slavery

24. Abuse to become pregnant; the fetus is then aborted for ritual use, or the baby is taken for sacrifice or enslavement

25. Spiritual abuse to cause victim to feel possessed, harassed, and controlled internally by spirits or demons

26. Desecration of Judeo-Christian beliefs and forms of worship; dedication to Satan or other deities

27. Abuse and illusion to convince victims that God is evil, such as convincing a child that God has abused her

28. Surgery to torture, experiment, or cause the perception of physical or spiritual bombs or implants

29. Harm or threats of harm to family, friends, loved ones, pets, and other victims, to force compliance

30. Use of illusion and virtual reality to confuse and create non-credible disclosure 

“The basis for the success of the Monarch mind-control programming is that different personalities or personality parts called alters can be created who do not know each other, but who can take the body at different times. The amnesia walls that are built by traumas, form a protective shield of secrecy that protects the abusers from being found out, and prevents the front personalities who hold the body much of the time to know how their System of alters is being used. The shield of secrecy allows cult members to live and work around other people and remain totally undetected. The front alters can be wonderful Christians, and the deeper alters can be the worst type of Satanic monster imaginable–a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde effect. A great deal is at stake in maintaining the secrecy of the intelligence agency or the occult group which is controlling the slave. The success rate of this type of programming is high but when it fails, the failures are discarded through death. Each trauma and torture serves a purpose. A great deal of experimentation and research went into finding out what can and can’t be done. Charts were made showing how much torture a given body weight at a given age can handle without death.” 

“Due to the severe trauma induced through ECT, abuse and other methods, the mind splits off into alternate personalities from the core. Formerly referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder, it is presently recognized as Dissociative Identity Disorder and is the basis for MONARCH programming. Further conditioning of the victim’s mind is enhanced through hypnotism, double-bind coercion, pleasure-pain reversals, food, water, sleep and sensory deprivation, along with various drugs which alter certain cerebral functions”. 

Dissociation is thus achieved by traumatizing the subject, using systematic abuse and using terrifying occult rituals. Once a split in the core personality occurs, an “internal world” can be created and alter personas can be programmed using tools such as music, movies (especially Disney productions) and fairy tales. These visual and audio aids enhance the programming process using images, symbols, meanings and concepts. Created alters can then be accessed using trigger words or symbols programmed into the subject’s psyche by the handler. Some of the most common internal images seen by mind control slaves are trees, Cabalistic Tree of life, infinity loops, ancient symbols and letters, spider webs, mirrors, glass shattering, masks, castles, mazes, demons, butterflies, hour glasses, clocks and robots. These symbols are commonly inserted in popular culture movies and videos for two reasons: to desensitize the majority of the population, using subliminals and neuro-linguistic programming and to deliberately construct specific triggers and keys for base programming of highly-impressionable MONARCH children. Some of the movies used in Monarch programming include The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, Pinocchio andSleeping Beauty .


In each case, the slave is given a particular interpretation of the movie’s storyline in order to enhance programming. For example, a slave watching The Wizard of Oz is taught that “somewhere over the rainbow” is the “happy place” dissociative trauma slaves must go to in order to escape the unbearable pain being inflicted upon them. Using the movie, programmers encourage slaves to go “over the rainbow” and dissociate, effectively separating their minds from their bodies.

“As mentioned before, the hypnotist will find children easier to hypnotize if they know how to do it with small children. One method that is effective is to say to the small children, “Imagine you are watching a favorite television show.” This is why the Disney movies and the other shows are so important to the programmers. They are the perfect hypnotic tool to get the child’s mind to dissociate in the right direction. The programmers have been using movies since almost day one to help children learn the hypnotic scripts. For children they need to be part of the hypnotic process. If the hypnotist allows the child to make up his own imagery, the hypnotic suggestions will be stronger. Rather than telling the child the color of a dog, the programmer can ask the child. This is where the books and films shown the child assist in steering its mind in the right direction. If the hypnotist talks to a child, he must take extra precaution not to change the tone of his voice and to have smooth transitions. Most of the Disney films are used for programming purposes. Some of them are specifically designed for mind-control.”

In Conclusion

It is difficult to remain objective when describing the horrors endured by Monarch slaves. The extreme violence, the abuse, the mental torture and sadistic games inflicted on victims by “notable scientists” and high-level officials prove the existence of a true “dark side” in the powers that be. Despite the revelations, the documents and the whistle-blowers, a great majority of the population ignores, dismisses or avoids the issue altogether. Over two million Americans have been programmed by trauma mind-control since 1947 and the CIA publicly admitted its mind control projects in 1970. Movies such as The Manchurian Candidatehave directly referred to the subject, even depicting actual  techniques, such as electroshock, the use of trigger words and microchip implementation. Several public figures we see on our TV and movie screens are mind control slaves. Famous people such as Candy JonesCelia Imrie and Sirhan Sirhan have gone on record and disclosed their mind control experiences…and yet the general public claims that it “cannot exist”.

The research and funds invested in project Monarch do not however only apply to mind control slaves. Many of the programming techniques perfected in these experiments are applied on a mass scale through mass media. Mainstream news, movies, music videos, advertisements and television shows are conceived using the most advanced data on human behavior ever compiled. A lot of this comes from Monarch programming.

Okay, so that is an insane read I am aware but it’s worth making it through that. If you’re completely new to all of this, I recommend watching 

. After watchin Zeitgeist, this was the ultimate first documentary that opened my eyes. I always had the feeling that there was something wrong in this world and was so happy to find out that I am not the only one..

Thanks to Vigilantcitizen for his amazing contribution over the years. His articles are always topnotch and focus mainly on the entertainment industry (Hollywood). Visit his website at

I try not to reblog all toomuch, but this particular article deserves to be reblogged for everyone who is struggling within to read. This article hits home very hard.

Here I stand

Here I stand
Infront of this mirror again

 Every night we meet

And I look deep into those dark eyes
Looking for a solution, a glimmer of hope

There it is
Like an old friend

But these feelings are far from friendly

The fear, it’s back
The confusion, front and center

Change is coming and I don’t know how to handle it this time
Tired of changing
Tired of losing
Tired of worrying

Getting ready to run in 3,2,1
But there’s nowhere left to run
The energy to do it, is gone

So I will just..


© Alex G.


I would be okay with that..

If I could have just one moment with you, that would make eternity okay. It would make everything okay. It would make not seeing you ever again worth it because it would be one moment that would change my life and change me forever. 

What a weekend!

This weekend has been one of the greatest I’ve experienced ever! Some of the best memories were made and because of that, life seems just so much more hopeful again.

I saw one of the best short-stories I’ve ever seen and I wanted to share it with you here, 

Paperman has no words and doesn’t need them, it tells the story through music and frames.

Wreck-it Ralph in 3D came afterwards and I am crazy about that movie. Seems to me that Disney still has what it takes. :).

I once had a dream…

I had the craziest dream this morning. I am not going into detail as dreams are very personal to me but suffice it to say that it left a deep impression on me. Even in my dreamstate I still am too harsh on myself and lack confidence. Apparently this is so deeply seeded inside of my psyche that it’s not merely something I can just change by working harder at it in real life.

In my dreams I tend to face a lot of my fears, where sometimes I either win or I lose. It’s never simple unfortunately. In a previous post, I reblogged a post concerning connecting with loved ones in dreamstate. Those dreams are always the most lucid and real-feeling, truth be told I live for those dreams. Maybe that’s why I love sleeping so much, to help me escape from this cruel 3D reality we live in.

When I was very young, I always had dreams of flying. I would start off jogging, sprinting, jumping and off I went. I’d climb higher and higher into the clouds, with the people at the bottom pointing up at me and being amazed that I could fly. I loved that type of freedom the dreams gave me. These days, those particular dreams are becoming more and more rare. See at my core, I am a child. And a child sees all the wonder in the world because they’re the closest to purity as it gets. When we get older, we forget and worse, we are MADE and TAUGHT to forget because we shouldn’t focus on such silly things such as DREAMS and MAGIC. I’ve always wondered if we weren’t taught at such a young age to stop believing in magic, if life wouldn’t be so much different now. Anywho, I am getting off topic. falling-flying-300x199

I have been trying to work on my self-confidence and something that I struggle with, is that I am very in touch with my feminine side but have a hard time showing this. Being a man, showing sensitivy is not the easiest thing to do, particularly around other men. And is deemed as weak or gay. To be a well-balanced person, I believe you have to have the perfect balance between female and male energy, yin and yang if you wish. There are very few people who I am completely myself around and I think even they don’t know all the layers of my personality. If they did, would they still love me? My mind comes up with some pretty outlandish ish at times. But I don’t want to be so alone and misunderstood. Now that I am fast approaching 30, I value close relationships more and more but I still can’t let people in the way I would like. Over the years, however, I have learned to let go off the control. That was the biggest issue in my early twenties, I had to be in control no matter what. Don’t let people see you lose your composure at any cost. Feelings are something that are meant to be kept inside. Locked up.

The last decade, man oh man, I’ve experienced so much. Looking back it feels like an eternity, so how come I am STILL struggling SO much with who I am? But no matter how much I’ve experienced the last decade, nothing compares to how much my life got turned upside down in 2011. I lost absolutely everything dear to me in the first half of the year, and found out exactly why I had to lose everything in the second half of 2011. Finally, after years and years of searching for that certain ‘something’, that at home-feeling, it was there right infront of me. I had to lose everything to make way for something so significant that it would consume my whole world. But, being obsessed with something or someone is seldom the right thing and that was my lesson, a lesson which I still stubbornly go against a lot of the time :/. I can sit here and claim that I’ve awakened and posess all the wisdom needed to get through this particular lifetime. Well, I ain’t gonna lie to ya, I truly don’t. If anything, I feel farther away from being a spiritual being now than I ever have before. I haven’t been more lost than I am now, and that’s saying something. But in a weird way, I am embracing it because that is a part of me. I am a lost puppy, always will be.

So I will continue on dreaming as that is the only way I am being spiritual at the moment and hope the message will seep through to my subconscious that I am effing awesome and worthy of true love. But it will never.ever. be easy.

Why It’s OK to be Lost And Confused

I am a wanderer, always have and always will be. This doesn’t mean that I am a 100% sure of what I should be doing in life. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I’ve started to think that maybe our point in life is to be lost and confused, so that we may find our core self or our true purpose in the end. Who’s to say that you’re supposed to have it all figured it out by the time you’re 30? Isn’t that why we have all these different types of crises in every decade of our lives? In our teens, puberty hits us and we struggle to find our identity. In our 20’s, another crisis because we are now supposed to start thinking about a clear direction in life. In our 30’s, we should now have settled down and know who we are. And so on and on until we hit our 60’s and it’s all a lot less worrisome. My point that I am trying to make is, that being lost and confused is something everybody goes through. Rich or poor, young or old, black or white, every single person (unless you’re blessed to have figured all of this out at a young age). Below is a blog-entry from someone else, who I think summed it up pretty well. I hope this post helps out those who need some guidance or just to know that someone is with them, knowing how they feel.


“In the fall of 2007, I was confused as hell.

I had recently graduated from college but still had no clue what I wanted to “be when I grew up.” I’d jumped from mediocre job to mediocre job… from a psychosocial therapist to an insurance salesperson to a nanny to a cocktail waitress to a retail manager.

After years of having been in a steady relationship, I suddenly found myself single and bombarded by d-bag after d-bag… each of whom I seemed to fall for.

And to top it all off, I had no established hobbies or interests aside from partying and trying to impress said d-bags.

To say that I was lost would be an understatement. I had no clue who I was and I had no clue what I wanted from life— all I knew was that it sure as heck wasn’t this.

So what do you do when you’re lost and confused?

Conventional wisdom would say, “Think hard and figure your sh** out at all costs.”

Instead, I did the opposite— I dropped the exhausting notion that I had to have it all figured out, and I dove head first into the deep waters of uncertainty.

I quit my job, applied for a year-long foreign work visa, and bought a one-way plane ticket to Australia. In January of 2008, I left the country without an inkling of a plan.

Today I’m going to tell you why this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Against every bit of advice that’s ever been thrown at you, today I’ll propose a strange notion: that maybe it’s ok (in fact,maybe it’s more than ok) to not have it all figured out. In fact, maybe you’re here to learn just one thing: to embrace the mystery, the uncertainty, that is life. And perhaps the more that you learn to rest in this uncertainty, the closer you end up to those answers you were seeking in the first place.


Before I made my decision to leave the country, I asked myself two simple questions that flipped my world upside down in an instant. When you’re deeply uncertain about life, these are the questions that it might behoove you to ask. The first question is simply this: what’s the worst that could happen if you let go of needing to know all the answers?


What’s the worst that could happen if you let go of needing to know all the answers? As humans, we have a strange compulsion to figure everything out and to turn unpredictability into certainty. I wanted the answers to come to me like a flash of lightning. I imagined that this was how life worked; that I couldn’t be happy until I had every detail of my life squared away. I wanted to know what my “calling” was and who my soulmate was and where to find happiness and when life would finally make sense. I wanted to know who the heck I was.

But why this strange compulsion to know, to be certain? What would happen if I just stopped needing to know all the answers?

I asked myself this question and the only answer I could think of was this: the worst that could happen is that I won’t have it all figured out.

I thought about it for a few minutes more and came up with a few more blurbs:

The worst that could happen is that I’ll be 30 or 40 or 50 and I still won’t have it all figured out.

The worst that could happen is that I’ll never have it all figured out.

The worst that could happen is that everyone will think I’m some wandering, aimless, blob-of-a-person.

The worst that could happen is that I’ll end up lost in a sea of uncertainty and perceived judgment.

And then I thought, “Wait… that’s it?”

“Aren’t I lost in that sea already?”

And so I decided, well hey, I might as well be where I’m already at.

After all, my life wasn’t going to end if I didn’t know all the answers. I wasn’t going to fall off the edge of the earth or get eaten by a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. My Myspace page wasn’t going to get unexpectedly deleted. (Yes; I said Myspace.)

The only thing that would happen is that I wouldn’t have it all figured out—which I already didn’t anyhow.

Ask yourself this question today and see if it shifts your perspective on things.


The second question to ask yourself is this: can life ever be certain?

Is it even possible to have it all figured out? Does such a thing even exist?

If you find a calling or a career that you really love, who’s to say that your calling won’t change (or that it shouldn’t change)? Who’s to say that your path won’t evolve or that you won’t wake up one day without a job?

If you’ve found your lifetime love and your soulmate, who’s to say that your feelings won’t change or that this person will always feel the same way? Who’s to say that you might not lose that person someday?

Not to be depressing, but life is %&$ing weird, guys.

Who’s to say that any single thing in your life might not change in an instant?

Maybe life is a never-ending mystery, and your only job is to learn to be ok with that. It doesn’t have to be a scary thing; instead, it can be freeing. Once you can learn to trust and to feel safe within this blanket of a universe, then you no longer need to cling to a certainty that just doesn’t exist. You can rest in the questions; you can live in the bittersweet mystery.


So did I come back from Australia knowing what I was meant to do with my life?

Nope. I came back from Australia just as confused as I had been when I left. I got a second college degree and I found a job and I bought a house, simply because I didn’t really know what else to do. And although I wasn’t wandering aimlessly as I had been before, I still felt lost.

But just as I had done before, I gave myself permission to feel this way. I learned to embrace the uncertainty and to live in it until it was no longer an enemy, but an awkward sort of friend (you know, the kind who stays at the party far longer than you want her to… but oh well). I learned to rest in the open-ended question that is life and to let myself steep in the mystery and the wonder of it all. Above all, I learned to trust.

Three years after my return home, I still rest in that open-ended question. I go to work every day and I still feel as ifthis isn’t quite it. After a 2 ½ year relationship, I find myself back at square one once again. I wonder if I am meant to live in this house or to travel the world; I wonder if I will ever find the right person or the right job (or if such a thing even exists). I still have no effing clue where my life is headed.

But at the same time, I have things figured out more than I ever have before. I’ve learned to look less to others for definition and more to myself. D-bags be forewarned: I no longer need your attention to feel like I’m somebody. For the first time in my life, I’d rather be alone than be untrue to myself.

When people ask me about my hobbies and my passions, they are no longer greeted with the blank stare of a girl who spends all her free time at the bars. Instead, my answer is simple: I love to create; I love to write; I love the strange feeling of connecting to people through something as simple as words on a page. This right here is what I love to do, and I’m doing it. So what if it’s not how I make a living— still, I am doing it.

Every day I am crumbling more apart and yet falling more together all at the same time.

I think that you’ll find the same thing to be true for yourself, if only you can remember one simple thing: it’s ok to be lost. It’s ok to let go of needing all the answers. It’s not going to kill you— in fact, it just might bring you to life.”