Every day I am reminded though of you
Cause of her, she looks so much like you
Even her voice
But she’s nothing like you
Actually, I am repelled by her
Yet strangely being drawn when she comes walking by
That was yesterday
Today is now and
I’m thinking I am long overdue on letting it all go
Am I even able to do it or am I just setting myself up for another sure fail?
Maybe I just can’t quit you,
Could it be that I am not supposed to?
Do I even cross your mind from time to time? Or have you been able to completely move on with your life?
Perhaps I imagined everything in my head
Perhaps I saw too much in it
Could it be that I was that naive?
So yeah, some days are tougher than others
Yesterday was a tough one
Today it hurt a little less
And I have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t ever change.
©30/7/2013 Alex G.
Not calling you a liar- Florence & the Machine
Just a song I like 🙂
Good, the weekend is here again. Not that it’s been a busy week but it’s nice to just come home, realize that in the morning I don’t have to pull myself from a wonderful dream and try to drag my half-asleep zombie-body to work. I walk to work these days and it’s about a 45 minute trip each way, gives me loads of time to process my early morning thoughts and feelings with some music that speaks to my soul.
Yes, I finally have found myself again. I have re-discovered great artists and albums, Before I had forgotten what it was like to really, truly listen to a song, eyes closed, head back. Having the music take you away to a magic, far-off place without anything to worry about.
My old self has come back, the kid in me. He is alive and kicking. It makes me so incredibly happy that I found that again. To be truly happy in a single moment and making that moment last as long as possible without thinking too much about it.
When I was younger, about 11 years old, I was inseparable from my Sony Walkman. I wasn’t exactly popular in school, so I spent pretty every waking moment with it. Sitting by myself in the playground, in the park, or just walking around taking in the music with my everything. I listened to artists most kids my age didn’t know. In so many ways, music has always been there to save me.
Then why did I lose my passion of truly listening and enjoying it to the fullest? I let life get caught up with me being almost always in the state of just fleeting moments, so not being calm enough to sit down and listen like I used to. Sometimes I hate mp3’s, this took a lot of the appeal and magic away for me. No sitting in the corner of the room with the album art in your hand or reading the lyrics. Memorizing the writers of your favorite songs.
Yeah, I guess you could say I am nostalgic. So I’ve decided to go back to then; I’ll be buying a vinyl player soon and starting up my LP-selection. I want to give into my child self because it’s what makes my soul happy :).
Also I am looking forward to my vacation which is from the 9th-19th August where I’ll be very happily soaking up all of the good life I have. Blessed am I. Thankful am I. For you. For everything we had and have. For what’s still to come. Together. I love you.
Okay, so this article is about transwomen and going Stealth. But this article hits home just as hard for most transmen. It does for me and I wanted to share it here.
A Rant About MTF “Stealth”
The use of the word stealth has lost its meaning in the last decade. I hear people who go to trans support group meetings, activities and who run trans websites claim to be “stealth” now. When I came out, going to trans support group meetings, activities and running trans forums was the definition of being out in a big way! Some now say that “stealth” means one thing and “woodworking” another. I call BS. You can’t woodwork without being stealth. It’s like saying that the word “hide” and “conceal” are fundamentally different. If you’re going to conceal something, you have to hide it; if you’re going to woodwork, you’ve got to be stealth. Some say “stealth” just means privacy. Privacy is not telling my spouse that I had a wart removed years ago; stealth is not telling my spouse that I had testicles removed years ago. Pretending that being “out” means telling everyone you meet you’re trans is BS. Associating with others in the trans community while claiming to be stealth is a mischaracterization of what stealth is.
Stealth is pretending to everyone that you’re a cisgender female. It means living in fear that the spouse you lied to will find out that you didn’t actually have a hysterectomy. It means always wondering if your friends would really like you if they knew the truth. Stealth is running away from or verbally running down your trans brothers and sisters so that others won’t make the connection. Stealth means that you hide being trans. Stealth is about shame and nothing more. Not telling the grocery sacker that you’re trans is not stealth. Trying to get your parents to lie to your new boyfriend is being stealth. Not telling every co-worker in the building that you’re trans is not being stealth. Not telling your best friend is being stealth. If you associate with other trans people, you’re not in stealth because you’re putting yourself in a position of allowing more and more people to know the truth about your history. Isolating and hiding your history is what it means to live in stealth.
Stealth people say things like “I just want to get on with my life as the woman I am” – a sentiment that sounds rational enough on the surface. The problem with that sentiment is that it’s also a delusion. Stealth people rationalize their lies by believing that being trans was only a medical problem that was fixed – kind of like a cleft palate; purposefully pretending that there wasn’t a social transition that entailed violating numerous cultural norms. Stealth is purposefully taking away the choice of letting the people you claim to love the most decide if they are willing to take on the potential social costs (as unfair and stupid as those social costs might be) of breaking those backwards cultural norms by being with you. If you believe that it is only a medical condition, remember that I said that you’re delusional when your best friend, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your adopted child, etc finds out that you lied about your social and medical history. Yes, it is a medical condition that should be treated medically, but to pretend that this medical condition is exactly like having laser eye surgery is nothing more than living in denial. Living an authentic life means having the courage to stand firmly on the ground on truth regardless of what stupid, moronic and asinine stereotypes and/or fears others may choose to cling to.
Anyway… pretending to be a cisgender female to everyone in your life practically never works in the end. In the digital age, you can never destroy every piece of history documenting your true past and you certainly can’t kill everyone how knows the truth. Choosing stealth is a shame-based way to live because it supports the belief that being trans is bad and should be hidden. Being a transwoman and being a ciswoman are just two somewhat different ways of arriving at being a woman; living stealth supports the bogus idea that you’re not really a woman and you must therefore hide the truth from discovery. If you want to save yourself a lot of misery, be truthful about the history that made you into the wonderful person you are today with the people who matter to you. You don’t need to tell the gas station attendant, but the point of transitioning is that you get to live authentically. Don’t put yourself into a position that you have to go back to living a lie; don’t go from one closet to another.
Being completely closeted – being stealth – takes away your freedom of choice. After a while, you’ve constructed a life whereby you can no longer enjoy the freedom of sharing your history with the people you care about because to do so would risk the very relationships you so value. Choose to give yourself the power of choice. Be judicious about who you give this very important piece of yourself to. Privacy is a good thing in that it’s empowering; preserve your right to pick and choose who knows your history. Choose the power of choice and use it to give yourself the best possible shot at a happy life.
Author’s Note: I wrote this piece in 2010 after meeting a transwoman who had transitioned in the 1970s. She’d been instructed to live a closeted life by her doctors at the time. Unfortunately, she took their advice, married and never told him. He found out years and years later and she lost practically everything she valued after the lie got out – to everyone in her life. The devastation her life had become was profound.
Since writing this, I understand that others – especially others in different geographic locations – view stealth and out as a binary continuum so that one can be both stealth and out and proud in the exact same moment. I can see how this view has its conceptual benefits for those who use it in that way. For me – and perhaps this is simply an artifact of my own geographic location – stealth means that one is not out. When I began transition, the only people who were stealth were those who actively shunned other trans folk. For me, stealth continues to have a very specific conceptual framework that does not include being out and proud about being trans.
I’d talk to you but I am not supposed to
It’s so hard because I miss you a lot
No, scratch that
I miss you so much it’s making my heart want to pound of my chest
Not knowing when of if I will ever talk to you again, is almost too much for me to take
Yeah, I AM focusing on me but my life feels so empty without you in it
I can only hope that one of these days, you will reach out to me and let me back in
With you, Life is so colorful and bright
That all the time away from you has made my world dull and dark
It has, however, given me perspective of how to live my life
No more settling because I don’t see my own self-worth
Taking full advantage of this life because nobody else is going to live it for me
And I’ve to prepare for the very real possibility that you’ll never return to it
They say ‘Time heals everything’
Too bad they weren’t talking about my feelings towards you
Time only enhances the love in my heart
And thus makes every day away from you more painful and lonely
Unable to love anybody else
And yes, I have most certainly tried
But I am physically and emotionally completely blocked off from others
I’ve given up on trying to not love you
and let go
It works for a short while, then returns like a smack in the face
Ultimately loving you more and more
21/7/2013 © Alex G.
Not really sure why I’ve been so volatile recently
My mood swings back and forth like a pendulum
Never knowing what little thing might set me off
Am I just getting more insights into who I am?
Lately I’ve been doing myself do much more
That I am dissatisfied with anything that doesn’t suit my lifestyle anymore
And imagining how my life should be, by staying true to my character
So many things that I never gave into because I didn’t love myself enough
Well all that is changing, and I find myself in the midst of consistenly feeding my soul with things it needs
Unfortunately this has meant for a lot of close ones to me to feel left out
Because I have been spending a lot of alone time
I’ve started to fall in love with myself
Something I never deemed possible and for this I need time away from others
The change has started inside of me
And there’s no telling where I am gonna end up
No more denying all the greatness I have inside.
21st July 2013- © Alex G.
Why I am going here is important, and it is for the reason that someone has never reached inside you, and told you what I am going to do at this time.
For all the innocence in you that had never had anyone to hear you, I am here to tell you that you are going to be loved beyond love from me.. The pain that has been stuck in you, to be relived in your nightmares, in your thoughts, and the misbelief that no one was there to hear your screams and believe in you knowing you needed help, you needed to be protected, you needed someone to hold you through your screams….
I know you went through such things when you were a child, when you were a teen and how it placed a thread in you to become the person identified inside as you became an adult based on this fabric. So many moments have passed by no one told you that you were going to be ok, only you inside your mind, no one told you that you were special, only you did at that moment, and then you felt scared cause you believed in something no one could seem to understand or hear, and no one was there to protect you, no one was there to tell you why you placed your trust there, only to have it destroyed repeatedly and then you found something in you, that seemed to want to protect yourself and everything in your sight to be something that you could believe, you had to protect, and guard, and hide.
You have suffered long enough, the pain you keep inside, I am sorry that it happened.. I am sorry it took you this long to find this, and know that inside me I am truly sorry, and I am always going to listen to you, and that you no longer need to hide from the lies that you are not more… you are indeed more….. No matter what you had experienced, no matter what pains you kept to make the decisions you made, I am here, and I will always be here. I will always give you all the love I have in me to make sure you have the path to heal through this. Not because I listened and understood your pain, but because I have lived it by touching in you all the pain that one can endure in this existence.
You lost this innocence, and I am here to help you reclaim it through holding you through it all, touching you through it all… giving you silence when you need it, and giving you a kiss when it no longer seems that you can even feel yourself, cause of the numbness of facing it all.
In ones existence here they will have a heartbeat that beats for the entire time they are here. Each beat gives them the opportunity to love deeper than they did the moment before if they can stay in sync with it paying closer attention to it. It gives this beat as long as we are here. We forget this, mainly cause of what we see on the outside of ourselves. We lose this path to that feeling of knowing it is real, cause others who we see on the outside don’t stop to feel their own. Yet, when you take the time, and stop and realize it, you know that you are connected to everyone else and everything else.
I am connected to you and I want you to know everything I am.. the love that is my energy is yours combined to make it ours. To heal through, to fight through, to pain through, to laugh through, to embrace not just those things in you that you feel locked away into, but beyond that.
I am here to let you know that true love is real. It is real in me as much as it is real watching a sunset or sunrise and knowing the beautiful places that can also be tragic are love to.
You can’t be lost when you reach out, and I will grab your hand, it is not being lost when you can feel that. Even if we don’t know where we are. What matters most is this very thing. It doesn’t require you to think about what I am saying here. You should feel the tears come from me as I pledge to you writing this that your tears are combined now.. they have a light all to there own. It is releasing as long as you hold me tighter through the tears you feel in knowing that I can hear you.
There will never be a time that I am not connected to you, there will never be a time that I am not in sync with you. I will be completely connected to you beyond any place, form or realm. Freed is the body you may move in, as the soul comes through to finally realize it is not protected from what can be judgement, persecution, cautious behavior, torture from others who were supposed to love and protect you.
I will always be that shield for you although it may seem I am not there in the physical, but I am always there inside you to be stronger than you were without me. It is not in ego that you keep me, for that will always make you hear something the mind will say. You now can speak out loud inside and I will hear you. I will heart you.. I will embrace you.
I will always be here inside you.. not just to know you are, but because you are.
If I never made the pledge you would not know I was here.
Wow, just WOW! Poetry and soulful music, yes thank you!!!!
Feelin’ it tonight..
You got me open minded, I’m not surprised that
My third eye’s floating we’re on to something and it’s perfect timing
I’m all aligned, I want to do this, I want to do this
Some about you are you making me, are you making me groove
Are you making me,. just want I want and I wanna do you yeah
I could tell there was something when you walked by
Fly like your feet touch down on the clear sky
Took time and you gave me moments
Exhaled then I regained focus, yeah
I think you’re special baby, I think you’ve got me
I know you want me, you really want me
Some about you are you making me, are you making me groove
Are you making me, just want I want and I wanna do you yeah
When you’re me since you came through seems, like I’m living in a dream
Better than I ever ever felt before, so damn sure
Cause my heart’s been cure of the pain that I once sustained
All in the past, moving fast, at the top of the class and I’m learning
Pages turning, flowing through the stages, auras blazing, you’re amazing
Some about you are you making me, are you making me groove
Are you making me,. just want I want and I wanna do you yeah
Something about you.