I have been running out of things to blog about for a while now, which is why it has been so damn quiet around here. If there is one thing I have come to realize about myself, it’s that I am an extremely sensitive and emotional person. Most of the time I wonder why I was put on this Earth as I have no particular talent or skill so to speak, like a great public speaker or an artist. Sometimes I wish I had such a talent but that in itself comes with responsibility and I don’t know if I’d want that kind of burden. For years I have searched myself to find out what it is that I need to do or should do. Truth is I still don’t know but I’ve got a pretty good idea by now. I’ve noticed that I have a very calming effect on people around me, and I like to make people happy through fulfilling their dreams one way or the other. So I guess you could call me an empath.
It’s funny though; as calm and collected as I am on the outside, so passionate and all over the place I am inside most of the time. Active listening to people is no problem for me, and I love to hear everything they tell me. But I don’t care much for talking myself, or should I say, about myself. It has always felt to me like my emotions, a. aren’t important enough and b. is private and is ammunition against me, should someone ever want to hurt me. But it gets lonely because that means that most of the time I never let people close enough for me to open up and become true friends with me. Even with some of my best friends I tend to keep stuff locked inside because as soon as I open my mouth I feel like it’s not important enough to be talked about. This is an unhealthy pattern that I have tried to break but can’t. Nature of the beast I guess. I can truly count on one hand the true friends that I have and only one of them I can reach out and physically touch.
Growing up in a big family, being the youngest one wasn’t really to my advantage. My sister always had to look after me as she was the most responsible and when I was 6 she abandoned me. At least that’s how it felt to me, she was running away from her own life though and not me. I know that, and I fully acknowledge that but it doesn’t mean that I logically make that connection that whenever someone tries to get close to me, I push them away as to not be abandoned again. Heck, sometimes I even start the abandonment-process all by myself so they don’t have to. That’s been my whole life, only a select few get close enough but most of the time I move on again. Like a lone ranger, only without the cool hat and pistols.
Now I have come to a turning point in my life, where I don’t want to run anymore. I want to open myself up to new possibilities and friendships but without any real clue of how to go about it. It’s super easy for me to befriend someone on a somewhat shallow basis but that’s it. Speaking of shallow; I cannot be shallow. I’ve tried, it might last maybe one minute but then it’s back to deeper stuff. People that can do that, amaze me. Then I just rather be quiet. If I don’t have anything useful to say, I don’t say anything at all. Of course with this job, I HAVE to fill silences and I hate it.. but anyways, back to the subject.
This year has proven to be an incredible one so far, and we are already half way through it. With each passing day, I feel more and more in tune with Nature, the Universe and myself. Something is happening, and it’s been happening for a long time now. Whatever it is, it’s going to set us free. And I can’t wait for that. To be honest, I have had plenty of lives on this plane and I am about ready to explore new dimensions and planes. For many people, this particular life has been a lot of pain and suffering. But with good reason, it’s preparing us. This right here, is the hardest lesson we are learning. Loving ourselves and loving others without any limitations or conditions. It sounds so simple but it’s not simple for us because we see so many flaws. In others and in ourselves. We don’t forgive those faults when in truth, that’s all we need to do in order to become happy.
So many things I have learned about the spiritual realm. I used to be able to refute it by calling it nonsense, but I have experienced so much that I cannot do it anymore. I wish I could show you what I know, what I have seen and have felt. But words could never do it justice because words are just words. Words are limited, they go incredibly far but these things you need to FEEL. I have my dark night of the Soul and I made it out, all by myself. It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Not to mention it was freaking scary but I truly believe that was the hardest part of my life. So..
Now… bring it on .. I am ready for it. 🙂
I happen to love Jason Mraz, I think he’s an absolutely brilliant musician and makes music that makes my heart open up. Most of the time he sings exactly what is on my mind or what I feel. The case of I won’t give up.. that’s how I feel right now. Enjoy it and share it with your friends 🙂
And A Beautiful Mess.. for my twin.