I had the craziest dream this morning. I am not going into detail as dreams are very personal to me but suffice it to say that it left a deep impression on me. Even in my dreamstate I still am too harsh on myself and lack confidence. Apparently this is so deeply seeded inside of my psyche that it’s not merely something I can just change by working harder at it in real life.
In my dreams I tend to face a lot of my fears, where sometimes I either win or I lose. It’s never simple unfortunately. In a previous post, I reblogged a post concerning connecting with loved ones in dreamstate. Those dreams are always the most lucid and real-feeling, truth be told I live for those dreams. Maybe that’s why I love sleeping so much, to help me escape from this cruel 3D reality we live in.
When I was very young, I always had dreams of flying. I would start off jogging, sprinting, jumping and off I went. I’d climb higher and higher into the clouds, with the people at the bottom pointing up at me and being amazed that I could fly. I loved that type of freedom the dreams gave me. These days, those particular dreams are becoming more and more rare. See at my core, I am a child. And a child sees all the wonder in the world because they’re the closest to purity as it gets. When we get older, we forget and worse, we are MADE and TAUGHT to forget because we shouldn’t focus on such silly things such as DREAMS and MAGIC. I’ve always wondered if we weren’t taught at such a young age to stop believing in magic, if life wouldn’t be so much different now. Anywho, I am getting off topic.
I have been trying to work on my self-confidence and something that I struggle with, is that I am very in touch with my feminine side but have a hard time showing this. Being a man, showing sensitivy is not the easiest thing to do, particularly around other men. And is deemed as weak or gay. To be a well-balanced person, I believe you have to have the perfect balance between female and male energy, yin and yang if you wish. There are very few people who I am completely myself around and I think even they don’t know all the layers of my personality. If they did, would they still love me? My mind comes up with some pretty outlandish ish at times. But I don’t want to be so alone and misunderstood. Now that I am fast approaching 30, I value close relationships more and more but I still can’t let people in the way I would like. Over the years, however, I have learned to let go off the control. That was the biggest issue in my early twenties, I had to be in control no matter what. Don’t let people see you lose your composure at any cost. Feelings are something that are meant to be kept inside. Locked up.
The last decade, man oh man, I’ve experienced so much. Looking back it feels like an eternity, so how come I am STILL struggling SO much with who I am? But no matter how much I’ve experienced the last decade, nothing compares to how much my life got turned upside down in 2011. I lost absolutely everything dear to me in the first half of the year, and found out exactly why I had to lose everything in the second half of 2011. Finally, after years and years of searching for that certain ‘something’, that at home-feeling, it was there right infront of me. I had to lose everything to make way for something so significant that it would consume my whole world. But, being obsessed with something or someone is seldom the right thing and that was my lesson, a lesson which I still stubbornly go against a lot of the time :/. I can sit here and claim that I’ve awakened and posess all the wisdom needed to get through this particular lifetime. Well, I ain’t gonna lie to ya, I truly don’t. If anything, I feel farther away from being a spiritual being now than I ever have before. I haven’t been more lost than I am now, and that’s saying something. But in a weird way, I am embracing it because that is a part of me. I am a lost puppy, always will be.
So I will continue on dreaming as that is the only way I am being spiritual at the moment and hope the message will seep through to my subconscious that I am effing awesome and worthy of true love. But it will never.ever. be easy.