Dear Sherill,

I haven’t spoken to you in a long time, matter of fact I haven’t even seen you in an even longer time.
Tomorrow would’ve been the day you would’ve turned 29, had I not made the decision to no longer be you.
But I have a confession to make; I miss you. I miss the female guidance that came from you, and I very much miss the sweetness and vulnerability inside of you.

Sometimes it feels like you were the only pure thing in me. DSC00763

I have lost myself over the years, and have been too focused on being a straight male trying to fit into this rigid and static gender society. But we both know that gender isn’t static, it’s fluid. It’s something I have come to learn as I have grown older.

I miss you as part of my life which might be strange for outsiders to comprehend because I hated being inside that body. And it’s true but there are also a lot of things that were the best part of me. I admit that sometimes I wish I could react the way I used to when I was you, without fear of judgement. I don’t want to be scared anymore to completely be myself; it’s okay not to be like other people. I have started to see my genderdsyphoria as a gift now. Not many people can know what it’s like to both have been female and male in the same lifetime. When I started my transition I tried to distance myself from female behaviour as much as I possibly could in order to fit in.  It was wrong but not strange. I joke when I am around women and say I don’t get them but truth is, I understand completely. And same goes for men.

Tomorrow I turn 29 and I needed to tell you that I love you and I am sorry for trying to eradicate you from my life so hard. I want to honor everything you stood for and how beautiful you were even if I couldn’t see it at the time.

I am still happy that I made the decision to transition and I would never want to go back. But you were absolutely awesome. And I miss having you around.
You were Pure. Sweet. Understanding. Emotional. Female. Male. Beautiful.

I wanted the world to know that You existed in Me, as Me. Happy Birthday to US ❤

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9 thoughts on “To Sherill; Happy 29th Birthday

  1. Aww, I miss her too at times. I love each side of you, great that you can so openly express this. I’m proud of you and have been happy to be around this transition… just don’t lose all of Sherill that is within you, she is still part of you and always will be! I love you, happy birthday!!

  2. Dear Alex,
    When I read this post I got very emotional. I know so well that you’ve been trough very difficult times, struggling with yourself. I’ve seen this and I couldn’t help you. You had to do it alone with the great help of Sara!!
    When you were born I was so very happy with my little girl. Together with your two big brothers and a sister, it was the most joyfull time for your dad and me!
    Now I am very proud of you that you openly share this with the outer world. You’ve lived to long with a secret.
    Your dad and I wish you all the luck in the world. Never forget that we will always be there for you. We love you without any conditions XXX

    1. Hi mama,
      Thank you for the beautiful comment. I know it hasn’t been easy on you at all but I am just grateful that you have never given up on me as your son. I am still largely the same person at the core of me and I will always look back on those memories very fondly.

      I love you guys very much 🙂 ❤

  3. This really touched my heart, sometimes being open to the world is really difficult to do, but to embrace it as you seem to have, is beautiful to see. This is a delicately written piece, really touching.

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