Over the last 5 years I can safely say that I am nowhere the same person I used to be. Actually the last 5 years feel a bit more like 10 years.
And to be even more honest, I am just finally starting to come down off the headspin those years have given me.
So much has been packed in such a short amount of time and I am not sure if I ever really dealt with it all.
But as said previously, I’ve definitely changed.
Some is for the better, some not. I’ve had some time to spend at home now the last 2 months which has helped. I seem to sort of have an accord with my depression now which has stayed away for the better part of 1.5 months. Instead I’ve journeyed inward into myself, to figure out what it really is what I want and not anybody else. I did it to find my truth. I did it to find out what makes me tick and what makes me love.
Unfortunately with that journeying inward, I’ve also become a lot more self-absorbed and might’ve been neglecting personal relationships.
However I don’t think there’s another way I could’ve done it at this point in time.
It’s no secret that I don’t have friends and part of that is because I am just not a very good friend. I enjoy time by myself preferably more than spending time with anyone else. However, the friends I have had I would’ve gone to the edges of the world for them. But then something would happen, scare me off because I so loathe confrontation. Poof, friendship over.
The reason why I did that is because I was so insecure in myself and how others perceived me.
It’s safe to say now that I don’t give two shits anymore. Since finding my truth, I feel 4x stronger than before.
I might not know where exactly I want to go but I sure as hell know where I DON’T want to be headed to.
It’s like over the years all the struggles I’ve had, made me weak at first. I climbed into the victim-role and submitted myself to that low vibration, never making it out of that stage. But now looking at myself, I see the awesomeness, the strength and the potential.
So the putting myself down-thing is now over. Ultimately everything that happens is not in my hands but what I do with the outcome of it, is.
Sometimes I wish I knew back then what I know now. Things could’ve been so much different but then I realize, that I would never have known without that experience in the first place. Life is just so damn short and I don’t want to be dead before I’ve lived it the way I want to.
There are so many things I’ve been wanting that I haven’t achieved for years; I’ve tons of ideas for tattoos I want, but never got them. I’ve wanted a telescope to gaze the stars with. Such simple things as going to random gigs to watch musicians I never even heard of and meeting kindred spirits. To many people that sounds like a normal weekend, but not to me because I’ve had so much fear for so long. Sometimes I think I’ve been deceased for the better part of 2 years.
When I transitioned I promised myself I’d take good care of my ‘new’ body, instead it’s gone the opposite direction. Thankfully I’ve realized I actually really enjoy working out hard but I just have to push myself over the limit.
I want to blossom into the person I am supposed to be, the best version of me.
There’s no way anybody is ever going to take my truth away from me again. It’s mine and I will live my life the way I want to regardless of what anyone thinks or says.