I doubt 2014 will be an Irish year for me. As some of you know I went to visit my parents in Spain a little before Christmas, and I actually had the hardest time leaving them and the nice weather again. There’s something about the Mediterranean countries, which I can’t quite explain.
I mean the Irish are quite warm and welcoming too but it bothers me that the good weather is absent most of the time. So after visiting with my family and having a lot of heart-to-heart’s with them, I’ve decided that my immediate goal is to move to Barcelona in 12 months so that I can be relatively close to them and not feel so lonely anymore here in Dublin.
Especially with my parents growing older, I want to not be so far away incase something were to ever happen.
My depression is battling it’s way back into my life and I am administering all of my resources to keep it at bay. What made such a difference in Spain was the brightness of the Sun and the heat. When we touched back down in Ireland, it was hailing, snowing, and raining all at the same time with extreme win on the side. And the weather hasn’t let up until yesterday where we had a semi-sunny but cold day. It makes me feel confined to the apartment because I don’t wanna be out in that weather. There used to be a time where I liked rain and where it made me happy.
It’s been one of the worst Christmases ever where there was really very little warmth and barely any conversation. I am not really sure as to why, I think maybe both of us really missed our family and didn’t really even want to celebrate it. It hurts though because Christmas is such a special holiday to me normally but it’s not been the same for a couple of years now.
However, being with my parents for a while helped me gain a new perspective on my current situation and they gave me the confidence to pursue what I am good at. My parents are great people and unlike my siblings I have forgiven them for all their parenting errors they might have made when we were younger. Eventually who you become is not all about how your parents raised, an equal big part is your spirit. An ego is formed by education, growing up, bad mistakes, good mistakes etc. Spirit is your true you, it’s what never changes and can only grow positively. So stop blaming everything on others, and step back and look hard at yourself. You need to also take some responsibility for how your current life has turned out. After all, our parents were also still all growing up when they had us.
But it’s nice to know that you can always, no matter what, go home to mom & dad. That’s my situation though, a lot of people might not have such loving parents. So I feel quite blessed with that.
Back to why I am leaving Ireland; Much for the same reasons I left Cork but reverse it. Whereas in Cork I had many good and bad memories, Dublin has not impressed me at all. There’s almost a lack of emotion, Dublin doesn’t move me and never really has. Not even when I first started dating S which is quite weird. You think I could connect to Dublin because of that, but no. I have not made any friends here. In fact, the one friend I had I lost when we both moved to Dublin.
I think Ireland has just offered me all I think it could offer me for the time being. The weather is also just making my natural state of melancholy worse, coupled with my depressive episodes, it just doesn’t seem like a fruitious relationship right now. And I need to get out.
In a way I’ve accepted that I have a nomadic soul; I move around and when my lessons have all finished I move on to another destination. That goes for everything I do. Which is why I have so little from the past in my home. I throw it all away usually when I move. But not keeping anything is also taking it’s toll, because eventually you start missing Home but you have no idea where that is anymore. As long as your parents are still around though, you will never not be Home whenever you’re with them. So I am going to go home soon and I am going to be okay again.