Today was a crazy day..
I was about to do something very stupid and after an epic inner-battle (which is all I can really call it at this moment), I decided to bring positive change to my life.
Over the past few weeks, my depression returned and has become stronger than ever before. I completely shut down from everyone I love, but still acting like I was fine and dandy. I can do this, I’ve done it for 2 decades. My heart has been closed off as well as my chakras.
Today it all came out, all the grief I’ve been holding onto for years. I mourned and I mourned for many things. Most people that know me perhaps realize that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders even when I try not to. So I mourned for the current state of the world, I mourned for lost friendships and loves, I mourned for myself. I have let myself get so out of hand that I have been slowly withering from within and on the outside. I have had many aches and pains that can’t really be explained but I know for certain that I am making myself ill by not letting go. I am exhausted, tired of being in the victim role and stacking my karma so high that I have become a bitter person. Every time somebody hurts me it’s been an affirmation to myself that I wasn’t worthy of anything really. So I reject myself, and I’ve been doing so more and more sending myself down a path of self-destruction.
I gave up this week, I did. But in that moment where it was the moment of truth, I decided that I can’t let go of this precious human experience. Especially not right now, something is in the air big time. It feels like the calm before the storm, don’t you feel it too?
I will admit it, I am extremely lonely. I don’t feel like I can talk to anybody who truly understands what it’s like to be in this crazy head and heart of mine,
I miss having someone tell me that they can see me hurting and that they care without me having to tell them. My walls have been raised so high that it’s impossible for anybody to get through. When I met her, my walls came crumbling down and I was being shown what life could truly be like, just happiness. Not that my job was great but she brought out the best in me, and it just happened naturally. I can still kick myself for turning it sour so quickly because what I truly miss…is the friendship, the loving energy, the comfortableness and the connection. A few weeks back, it became clear that she is unable to ever communicate with me again. I am the one who said that I needed to take an indefinite break so it wasn’t surprising but it devastated me nonetheless. I guess it was the drop that would overflow the bucket. I’ve always held the hope that one day there would be a reunification. So the grieving was also me mourning her ‘death’ (presence) from my life.
Now I see that I have to just let everything fucking go already, the Universe has been shouting at me. Stop taking everything so damn serious Alex!! Stop the fear, stop the worrying. Life is just a ride, it’s an experience, and it’s supposed to be a fun one. I know I wasn’t exactly dealt the greatest cards in the world but I can’t keep blaming everybody and myself for it. If I keep doing that, the cycle will keep spinning and I will keep relapsing until I won’t be able to battle my way through anymore.
I want to release myself from all the hurt that I’ve ever received, all the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made and the pain I’ve inflicted on others. I hate my current life, the job sucks, the colleagues blow even harder and I’ve no social life. No passion or anything. Today I realised that I want to find my talent, I want to enjoy each and every moment I can doing what I love. So changes will come and hopefully it will be the successful way out of this dark hole I’ve been in for such a long time.
I am taking a leap of faith. Bringing back the joy and laughter in my life.