So I gotta write this while these feelings in me are so strong at the moment
I am starting to finally realize that my relationship with food is not a healthy one. I despise it but can’t live without if I wanted to.
When I was little kid I was rail thin and the doctor joked with my mom that I would never be a fat person. Surprise Surprise when the year after that I doubled in weight due to very stressful home situations. Food in that time was my best friend when nobody would be there to comfort me, when I was in real need of help. In a way, everything stressful that I experience is eaten away instead of talked away. It’s how I cope.
Lately, however my self-loathing has kicked in big time and where I at first, starting feeling love for me for the first time in my life, it now has switched to looking in the mirror where I see a blubbery-fat monster. Every waking second that I have, is concentrated towards how I look and how people may perceive me. Is my tummy showing? Is this t-shirt too tight? Is my stomache moving too much? These are ridiculous thoughts I am well aware but I can’t seem to stop them. Instead they are starting go from whispers to screaming and yelling in my ear. I don’t want to hate myself anymore and more than anything I want to become healthy and happy because I deserve it. But don’t feel like I do.
This has been the biggest battle in my life and every time I lose the fight again. I should probably talk to someone because this is starting to worry me and I don’t want to start barfing or do anything else stupid..
:(.. sorry for the depressing post.