I’ve thought a long time about if I ever wanted to write about who I truly am, 100% on here and the answer used to be a firm no.

However, tonight something seems to have shifted in me and I am now ready to share my own story and hopefully it will give other souls like me some comfort.

A lot of people are completely oblivious to what I am about to tell you and would be shocked if they did find out. I am done caring about how other people perceive me these days and this is my personal journey towards inner freedom.

I am a transgendered female-to-male, who’s been out of transition for about 2 years. My actual transition journey started a fairly long time ago, in 2007. But the pain and misery of being in the wrong body has been with me ever since as long as I can remember. Ever since I was little, I wasn’t like the other little girls.  You could’ve called me a tomboy but that wasn’t it. It was okay until about age 7 when I started putting on weight and puberty kicked in around age 10. See, before that time it was significantly easier to forget about being a biological girl because at that age there isn’t a huge amount of differences between a boy and a girl. At that age I was already very sure of the fact that I liked girls but I felt it from a boy’s point of view.

Anyhow, puberty kicked in early and that’s when things turned extremely miserable for me. Most of the time I wanted to crawl out of this prison that was my own body. I cannot even begin to explain the feeling and knowing that you aren’t what you’re supposed to be on the outside. My self-hate was instilled in me from quite a young age because of this. And my loneliness grew because I was an outcast, I was weird to the rest. Kids are brutal but in a way also surprisingly insightful. I was called a lesbian, a wanna-be boy and God knows what else almost as far back as I can remember, to about age 7.

I quickly learned to put on a brave face and act spontaneous and happy when around my family or so-called friends. I grew into a role I knew I’d never be truly myself in. I did the whole butchy lesbian-thing until I was about 15, that’s until my mom took me a specialized gym because of course, I was deemed overweight (yeah comfort food ya know?). I lost weight and I noticed that I started to get positive attention from people. My mom would take me shopping and after big fights in the store, eventually I’d go for that skirt or whatever girly thing she wanted to see me in. The masking went on and on. At one point I was extremely girly with long curly hair and make-up. Yeah. I don’t really know what to say about that. I hated myself but I tried so hard. I really did.
As girly as I acted on the outside, the more masculine I became on the inside. I discovered the early Internet and chatrooms and you can totally guess what happened there I think. I tricked people into thinking I was a biological male and they all believed it too. My happiest times were when I was online, being able to be myself even if my body didn’t match how I felt on the inside.

Eventually I knew something had to give so I came out as a lesbian to my parents, who (bless their hearts) were completely okay with it and accepted right off the bat. Not long after I turned 18, I moved to the USA to be with my ex whom I met online. As much as I loved her, she wanted me to be something I really wasn’t and tried to mold me into a cute, girly lipstick lesbian with big tits. It lasted about 3.5 years until my depression became too much for me to handle and I moved back to Europe. By that time I had more than doubled my body weight and was obese.

To fast forward a bit, when I moved back to Holland in 2007 I really started acting on how I felt and decided to finally make the step to make that appoint with the Gender-team in Amsterdam. There was a very long waiting list to even be seen and I had to wait many months before that even happened for me.  Now whoever thinks that the transition-process is an easy breezy one is sorely mistaken. I’ll lay it out for you what was required of me:

-1 st time at the clinic: they give you a ton of questionnaires and tests to fill out. With questions like, on a scale of 1 to 100 how manly do you feel on a daily basis. Then you finally have your intake-interview with a psychologist who decides if you either get a green, orange or red light. Green means go, orange means maybe but not now and red is HELL NO.

-Then comes a period of nearly a year of interviews and more things such as writing out your life-story, parents writing your life-story, drawing how you see yourself and more.

– After that, the Gender-team reconvenes and decides if you are ready to go through the Real Life Test. A Real Life Test is where you are deemed to start dressing and being like the gender you wish to become at the end. This is extremely liberating but also anxiety-inducing at the same time because remember, you haven’t had any hormone-treatment or any surgeries. So you are very obviously not a male yet, and people pick up on this. It was the scariest time but also the most exhilarating time of my life. The Real Life Test also requires that you tell the people around you about your transition, which includes work.
The test last approximately a year. (This was even more fun as I lost my job which I was in at that time.)

I had to fly a few times throughout this period on my old passport, and it was a horrible experience. People telling you that they did a good job on you might sound like a compliment but really it’s only a painful reminder that you are still NOT biologically male and are seen as just a pretender.

-About 6 months into the RLT, you get the go-ahead to start with the Hormone-therapy. This is the most awesome news any transgender can get in my opinion because this is where shit gets real. I started my hormone-treatment in late 2008 around my birthday and within the first weekend of taking it, my voice dropped significantly. I could not have been more overjoyed.

-About 6 months after hormone-treatment, the psychologist and doctor decide if you can have your first surgery which in a female-t0-male case is obvious, it’s the chest. The funbags had to go as soon as possible for me cause I hated them with every fiber of my body.
So you’re out of commission for about 2 months after the surgery.

– Eventually it’s approximately another 3 -4 month wait until you can get all the other female junk out such as the ovaries and uterus. Once you’ve had that surgery, you can finally apply to get your gender-status legally changed on all of your documents.

– If you so desire, there is also the option after that to have the 3rd operation, which is the operation on the genitals. I don’t necessarily like the options as they are currently, as it would more screw up anything than make me feel like a full male.

So there you have it, in short, how the process goes. I might’ve forgotten a few things or have the timelines mixed up a bit. Forgive me, but it’s been a long road for me. At the moment I am completely out of the 2nd ‘puberty’ and glad to be. I still might not have chest hair or be able to grow a full beard, but for once in my life I feel like I am right the way I am supposed to be. No more suicidal thoughts about who I am. I have lost loved ones because of my transition and it hurts when even your own siblings reject you.
However, I was fully aware of the consequences when I decided to make the transition.

I was one of the lucky ones, all my treatments were covered by Dutch healthcare insurance. I know of a lot of FTMs and MTFs that have to come up with all the money on their own and that knowledge kills me because a lot of those people are stuck in the ‘inbetween phase’ which is scary, not being able to get the money together to get those surgeries that they need. That’s the phase where your facial features start to look so male but you still are stuck with breasts and other undesired features. I know I felt like a monster-freak at that times.

Anyways, that is my story in a fairly short post. I am completely open to any questions anyone might have about anything as long as it’s respectful. I won’t be throwing my transgenderism around on this blog but rather, this is a one-time thing because I see my transgenderism as something that I went through and I am now 100% male. Sure, I do still struggle on a daily basis with my genderdysforia and I don’t think that will ever completely go away.  I just want to let you know, for the boys and girls that are thinking about starting, or are scared, that there are others out there like you and we know how you feel. So if you ever need a friend or just someone to talk to, come to me. I’ve been through it all and I want to help because it’s a lonely road.

Thank you for reading.



One thought on “The real me

  1. I could not be more proud of you, hun! I’ve been through the process with you, coming from something where you had to pretend all of the time to me, one who accepts you exactly the way you are. I still remember how scared you were about it all but all I ever wanted, and still do, is for you to be happy. Now, you have even shared your amazing story to encourage others who are in the same position as you (once were). All I can say is that I couldn’t be more proud. People will respect you for being brave enough to tell the story, your story. I love you very much!!

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