I’ve been struggling with depression for quite some time now. Even if I haven’t admitted it to myself that it’s been going on for the majority of my life.
People always regard me as a happy person but the truth is that I am quite melancholic and sometimes even think I might be a glutton for pain. I never choose the easy way in life but I also never seem to finish anything I start.
I thought 2012 was going to be a spectacular year, yet it turned out to be a year of extremes. Just like all the other previous years back to 2009. I am kind of over expectations now because things seem to not turn out the way I hope them to. How did things get this screwed up for me? I did it all to myself. I am so lonely and I’ve so much love to give.
What’s my direction in life? I am 28 now and seemingly not any step closer to my destiny. A decade gone by of life-experiences, for which I AM grateful, but a decade holds so many memories. And I feel like I am feeling it too intensely, living through the memories one by one. Reliving the decisions I’ve made, if they were the right ones. It doesn’t matter, it’s the past I realize this but it’s not so easily ignored. But I do think of the past fondly, it shaped me to the person I am today. And whether or not I love the person I am, I still have to live with myself so I better learn to.
I need to bid adieu to all the things that don’t serve me in this life this year. But I am still so confused, I hang on certain things with a little glimmer of hope. Just so tired of making the same mistakes over and over again, like I don’t learn. Just a little bit of clarity as to what I am supposed to be doing would be great. I am broken.