Looking back on the past 2 years, I see a pattern of complete and utter stupidity, guided solely by the heart.
2 years ago I met the best friend I could have wished for yet I couldn’t keep my own feelings in check and fell in love. The falling in love-part is understandable but not the way I pushed them onto her because I thought she felt the same. I didn’t push just once but several times and ended up losing her because of all the stupid actions I took. I couldn’t handle the intensity anymore and needed to get away. I stopped completely talking to her because I was under the impression I had fucked everything up. So I left the country and that without saying good bye in person. I just fled like a chickenshit loser. Not realising that it only was made worse now.. I regret it sincerely especially because most of all I miss her friendship and I miss her smiling at me. Now when I run into her, Its awkward and she doesn’t like to look at me or even talk to me. Her body language screams for me to get away from her. That’s probably the most painful.. Being rejected on both levels, romantic as well as platonic. I wish she could see that it was all just a big mistake from my side and that I would do almost anything to make it up to her. Just so we could be friends again…
I have to be honest though and say that I know this is one friendship I will never regain.. I fear that since she is leaving the country soon, that I won’t see or hear from her again.
Love, why do you have to be so difficult and painful? I didn’t ask to fall in love back then. Thankfully now that’s over. But I lost too much in the process.